I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your face. (Quote by - Anita Wise)

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. (Quote by - Dave Barry)

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. (Quote by - Bob Hope)

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. (Quote by - Sue Murphy)

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. (Quote by - Emo Philips)

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woma or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle. (Quote by - George Burns)

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere. (Quote by - George Burns)

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

In Beverly Hills. they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you. (Quote by - Tommy Cooper)

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. (Quote by - George Burns)

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly). and says, Here, you can go. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it. (Quote by - George Carlin)

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

On Opening Day, the President does t throw OUT the first ball. He throws it IN. If he threw it out, it would land in the parking lot and someone would have to go get it. (Quote by - George Carlin)

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post (Quote by - George Carlin)