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Comedians Quotes
This section contains Comedians Quotes

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous everyone hasn't met me yet. (Quote by - Rodney Dangerfield)

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, Have you got anything I'd like? Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, Extra medium. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. (Quote by - George Carlin)

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. (Quote by - Jane Wagner)

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

How young can you die of old age. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, What for? I said, I'm going to buy some sugar. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Black holes are where God divided by zero. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. (Quote by - George Carlin)

I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the last one left. (Quote by - George Burns)

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt. (Quote by - George Carlin)

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said pet supplies. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said compact cars. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

Go, and never darken my towels again. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. (Quote by - Dave Edison)

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