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Comedians Quotes
This section contains Comedians Quotes

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile. (Quote by - George Burns)

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said (Quote by - Tommy Cooper)

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country. (Quote by - George Carlin)

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die no I'm booked. (Quote by - George Burns)

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. (Quote by - Marty Feldman)

Eighty percent of success is showing up. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is getti ready to hang himself. (Quote by - George Carlin)

I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there. (Quote by - George Carlin)

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, That's a turn-up for the books. (Quote by - Tommy Cooper)

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? (Quote by - Steven Wright)

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. (Quote by - Les Dawson)

Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

Imagine how thick Japanese peopl s photo albums must be. (Quote by - George Carlin)

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. (Quote by - George Carlin)

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill. (Quote by - George Burns)

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. (Quote by - Johnny Carson)

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. (Quote by - Mel Brooks)

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

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