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Comedians Quotes
This section contains Comedians Quotes

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. (Quote by - Spike Milligan)

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. (Quote by - George Burns)

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. (Quote by - Pearl Williams)

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age. (Quote by - George Burns)

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it. (Quote by - George Burns)

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they. (Quote by - George Carlin)

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. (Quote by - Monty Python)

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

It is every man's obligation to put back into the world at least the equivalent of what he takes out of it. (Quote by - Albert Einstein)

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said Cut it out. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

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