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Comedians Quotes
This section contains Comedians Quotes

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. (Quote by - George Carlin)

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store. with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. (Quote by - Jim Carrey)

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. (Quote by - Dave Barry)

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

So I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why. (Quote by - Tommy Cooper)

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing ''Embraceable You'' in spats. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast. (Quote by - George Carlin)

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much time. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. (Quote by - George Burns)

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. (Quote by - Tommy Cooper)

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Do t you find it funny that all these tough-guy boxers are fighting over a purse. (Quote by - George Carlin)

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense. (Quote by - George Carlin)

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