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Things We Have Learned From Watching Movies:

  • Shots fired at the rear of a vehicle cause gas tanks to explode.
  • There's a deep humming in space.
  • When a gift is given, the top is wrapped separately from the rest of the box and it lifts straight off so that there is never any ripping or fumbling with wrapping paper.
  • Every high school has at least one student who lives in a mansion and whose parents are never home. This student is, obviously, very popular and hosts all the parties.
  • If you stick your head out of cover during a gun fight, it will never be hit, especially if you look backwards to hold a conversation with someone behind you.
  • Women don't need to go to the bathroom when they get up, but do shower frequently.
  • In any Mexican-standoff between two people with guns there is always a third person out of shot who will actually fire.
  • All cowboys are sharpshooters and trick riders.
  • If you ever end up on another planet, don't worry. Their atmosphere and temperature are just like Earth's, so you'll have no problem surviving.
  • Cats always make a noise. If someone is creeping into a house and is momentarily scared by a cat, it always has to meow before running off.
  • Every jail has a brutal guard and a scheming warden.
  • Anything hit by a bullet will give off sparks, including glass and concrete.
  • You know a man is British if he wears a bow tie.
  • Remote places of the world contain unknown giant versions of animals.
  • There's no such thing as an irreversible coma.
  • Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always find a new one lying around the next time you need one.
  • People shot with a gun that has a silencer attached will never scream.
  • Any surveillance footage can be frozen and "zoomed in" to crystal clear perfection.
  • All expeditions must be led by an old and experienced guide with a facial scar who dies horribly before the end.
  • The hero must have a friend who is a social outcast.
  • Anyone dying of a gunshot wound in a high place will fall, even if it involves getting themselves over a wall or through a doorway.
  • No matter how much money you put in a briefcase, it will fit perfectly.
  • Native Americans always say very little and when they do speak it's to give sage-like comments.
  • If a woman is pregnant, she will deliver the baby before the movie ends.
  • Hypnotizing someone only takes a few seconds.
  • It's impossible to kill a villain without first killing all of his henchmen.
  • The first shot or burst of fire from a bad guy always misses and is there merely to announce that a fight has begun.
  • If you are trapped in a tunnel, in a sinking ship, or a burning building, a cute little girl, a nun, and a feisty granny will be trapped with you.
  • Elite units (Special Forces, Rangers, Commandos) are always recruited from convicts and other socially degenerate segments of society.
  • A woman being chased by a murderer will always fall over, either because she’s running in stilettos or is ridiculously clumsy.
  • Bibles, medals, and cigarette lighters stop bullets better than bulletproof vests.
  • Police officers never wait for back up to arrive.
  • Anyone who falls from a high place while dying will let out a loud sustained shriek, even if they've just been shot several times in the chest.
  • All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
  • Dying people always live long enough to say something moving or significant.
  • A monster can always sneak up on you, no matter how big or clumsy it is.
  • Every children's sports team has one kid who's REALLY fat. So does every school band (he's the one playing the tuba).
  • Anytime a character in an awful rush confronts another character curious about his predicament, the first one says, “There’s no time to explain,” and then explains anyway.
  • If you ever go for a swim, you will be perfectly dry within minutes after you get out.
  • All automatic pistols must be held sideways in order to be fired.
  • No matter how catastrophic the disaster, pets will always survive it.
  • Police officers are assigned partners who are their total opposite.
  • People brush their teeth before eating breakfast but not afterwards, at which point they run out the door with a piece of toast in their mouth.
  • Every high school library has hundreds of books on satanism and the black arts.
  • Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
  • Shots fired in Westerns that do not hit a character always ricochet loudly.
  • When visiting any library it is quite easy to observe a person and clearly listen to their conversation in the next aisle by simply moving the books on the shelf to the side.
  • Bad guys lurk until their presence is revealed by a flash of lightning.
  • When someone uses a TV remote it makes a clicking sound that is impossible to replicate by existing remotes.
  • When someone puts a baby down to bed, that baby coos and smiles, and then just goes right off to sleep.
  • You can only threaten someone with a gun if you are within arm's reach of them.
  • Every firefighter is the son of a firefighter who died in the line of duty.
  • If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
  • Any kid or dog can wonder through an artillery barrage without injury while half the outfit gets wiped out.
  • All pilots can fly anything without trouble. Even alien aircraft.
  • Dogs are immortal.
  • If, during a fencing match, the combatants demonstrate their skill by cutting through all the candles on a candelabrum, the light level in the room will remain constant.
  • It is possible to use a helicopter to sneak up on someone.
  • Movie theaters and drive-ins only show classic horror movies.
  • The person you trust most at work is the person trying to kill you.
  • The hero's badge and gun are always in the chief’s desk drawer while he’s suspended.
  • Falling people always scream. Even if they’ve been shot 20 times and should logically be dead.
  • In the movies everyone seems to have some odd “L shaped” sheets on their beds able to cover a woman up to her neck and her partner up to his waist.
  • All space ships, no matter how small, have internal artificial gravity which keeps working no matter how badly the ship gets pummeled by the evil alien ship, no matter how many external panels get blown away, no matter how many sparks or how much smoke pours out of your control panels, the artificial gravity will always keep working.
  • If there is a horse trough present in a Western gunfight scene, at least one shot will splash spectacularly in the water.
  • Somehow cars take several turns of the key to start only when someone is chasing you.
  • When the good guy gets shot, he will fall down and be presumed dead, but will later turn out to have had the foresight to wear his bulletproof vest. No one ever shoots him in the head.
  • In most action movies made after 1988, some line refers to "Teflon Coated Cop Killer Bullets."
  • If a sports team is primarily white, their coach is black. If it’s primarily black, their coach is white.
  • A female's chances of survival are directly proportional to how hot she is.
  • The more people who make disparaging remarks about two people getting together, the more likely it is to happen.
  • Shots fired at windshields never deflect, but always penetrate and hit the bad guy in the forehead. If the driver is good guy, he'll merely has to duck a little to avoid them.
  • If you’re in a car and fired upon by people behind you, don’t worry. They’ll break your back window, but your seat and headrest will stop any bullets from hitting you.
  • There will always be a doctor in a plane or building with the right medical supplies.
  • The most beautiful girl in school can never get a date.
  • A female lead with feminist leanings will always despise a macho hero - until he rescues her from certain death and then she'll become totally dependent. Soon afterwards, the hero becomes vulnerable and tells her about his tragic loss that explains his attitude.
  • Newborn babies babble, crawl and hold their heads steady.
  • Good chess players can see fifteen or twenty moves ahead, in detail, from a middle game, where there are still many pieces on the board.
  • Shots fired at someone hiding around a corner never whiz past, but always strike the edge of the building near his face.
  • All loose ends are always tied up.
  • Women reduced to wearing a man's shirt as a dress will always find a belt to accessorize.
  • Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
  • Medieval peasants had filthy faces, tangled hair, ragged clothing - and perfect teeth.
  • During a week-long murder investigation, detectives need not go home to eat, sleep, shave, or change their clothes.
  • Movie characters never suffer from motion sickness.
  • In any scene taking place in a 3rd world or especially a Muslim country there will be at least one old man with a long beard and one milky eye.
  • When in love, burst into song.
  • A performer can spot a loved one in a crowd of 20,000 people instantly.
  • Magical forces cluster in the visible portion of the electromagnetic spectrum.
  • If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day or Chinese New Year parade - at any time of year.
  • A person's confidential secret file folder can be alphabetically accessed by posing as a night janitor or cable repair person.
  • Once the hero breaks the case, he will be automatically reinstated without an investigation, no matter how many laws he has broken.
  • The strongest force governing human survival is the possession of a name.
  • Girls given firearms to defend themselves either "grew up on a farm" or learn incredibly quickly when given brief training on how to aim, fire and reload.
  • No matter how slow zombies walk they will always catch up.
  • Getting wounded won't slow you down for more than thirty seconds.
  • The cowboy who exchanges a dozen shots with the bad guys without hitting one will nevertheless be able to detonate a stick of dynamite from 150 feet away with a revolver on his first try.
  • Everything Chinese is magical.
  • The FBI always arrive by helicopter, irrespective of where they came from.
  • A chase scene on foot in a city always has a shot of one of the characters running into the street, nearly being hit by a car screeching to a halt, at which point the driver flails his arm out the window and yells an expletive.
  • A cigarette case in a shirt pocket always blocks a bullet.
  • When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
  • Abducted people always call for their father, never their mother.
  • SS soldiers always wear their dress black uniforms.
  • High-powered female executives always wear miniskirts and five-inch heels to work
  • Spies hide their occupation by driving the most expensive cars, eating in the top restaurants, staying in the most luxurious hotel suites and having tailored clothing.
  • No debris ever falls from a ceiling after a gun is fired into it.
  • If you type a partial password on someone else’s computer, the system will give you additional prompts that will enable you to guess the rest.
  • Any computer, anywhere, even in the jungle, can hack into the most secure government system.
  • Once a horse sees a rattlesnake, it will throw the rider off in the snake's direction.
  • If someone you love dies then start mourning and crying, doing so will mean that they will then magically appear in front of you.
  • If you're ever playing poker, show your hand after everyone else. Whoever shows their hand last always wins.
  • It’s always easy to determine whether a car is following you or just going your way.
  • Every group of cowboys or soldiers has one guy who can play the harmonica.
  • Dinosaurs only eat ugly and/or immoral people.
  • When someone has stopped breathing and has no pulse, simply breathing into her mouth twice and looking extremely distressed while screaming “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” will bring her back to life.
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