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Things We Have Learned From Watching Movies:

  • If a main character dies, his sweetheart back home will have a nightmare at that exact moment.
  • If a group of people get knocked out, they'll all wake up simultaneously.
  • After viewing a flash TV news report in your hotel room about the crime that you just committed it will be necessary to immediately click the TV off.
  • In battles, opponents always wear different types of clothing so that everyone knows who's killing who.
  • Every bad guy knows how to tie really complicated knots… which somehow the good guy manages to untie.
  • Reading any book aloud usually has catastrophic consequences.
  • Once a character flips up the long-range site on his rifle, he always make his next shot.
  • It never snows prior to Christmas Eve.
  • Men will do more for a woman who has divorced him than any other.
  • Natural disasters only occur after the local mayor scoffs at the possibility.
  • Anything a little person does is hilarious. Same goes for monkeys and puppies.
  • Women are always too hysterical to do what the hero instructs. He has to help her/force her/knock her out.
  • All aliens have single monolithic culture: one language, one religion, one outfit, one planet.
  • Cars always start on the first try, unless there's a dramatic reason for the car to fail to start. Then they start at the last possible moment.
  • Men never get unwanted facial hair. Unless they drink too much.
  • Every group of criminals has one guy with a family who is trying to go straight, and plans to quit after their current "job".
  • At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
  • If an electronic device breaks, just crack it open and splice two random wires together. That will fix it.
  • Staying more than a day in the wilderness will involve meeting a hungry bear.
  • Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
  • If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
  • It’s very easy to fool the security guards at highly top secret government institutions.
  • If a man and woman ardently and thoroughly detest each other, they’ll eventually fall in love.
  • A person waking from a nightmare usually is really still having the nightmare.
  • Before injecting a patient with a syringe, you must first point it straight up and squirt, wasting some of the medicine in it.
  • If a person knocks another out and takes their uniform, it will fit perfectly, irrespective of the relative size, sex or even species.
  • Cheerleaders wear their uniforms all day long, even when they aren't cheering.
  • Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
  • Women always cover their mouths when terrified.
  • In a mountain climbing expedition, those scared of heights will generally be fine, but those who are confident will fall to their deaths.
  • Anytime a person is expecting a bad guy to jump out at them, often they’ll sigh in relief when it’s just the cat/wind/tree branch. But as soon as they let their guard down and laugh at their "silliness", they are going to be attacked by the bad guy that really was there after all.
  • One blow to the head will cause amnesia. A second one will reverse it.
  • The feasibility of an idea is inversely proportional to its initial apparent plausibility.
  • Photos of loved ones, religious medals, and Bibles can stop bullets better than a bulletproof vest.
  • If a gas station and a man with a machine gun appear in the same scene, before the scene ends the gas station will explode. The same is true of fuel drums.
  • If a cop goes into a bar looking for information, he will be attacked by 4 or 5 people. A broken beer bottle and a pool cue will be involved.
  • If a man with a machine gun and a man with a pistol have a gunfight, the man with the pistol will win.
  • In a horror movie, if a person is advised against any action, they then do that exact thing.
  • Anyone can land a plane, provided someone in the control tower talks you through it.
  • Grizzly bears live in every forest in the United States. Before they attack, they always stand up on their hind legs and growl menacingly.
  • Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son’s birthday.
  • If a car happens to break down on a railroad track, a train will come along within a minute.
  • All computers will have an audible "beep" when a person is searching for specific data, and of course that computer will find the precise match they are seeking.
  • If a man and woman are fleeing a bad guy through the woods, the woman will trip over a tree root.
  • Those characters who talk about what they'll do after the movie ends never live long enough to do those things.
  • A devious villain will immediately shoot a non-important character whenever needed without hesitation. However when he finally has the chance to kill the hero seeking to craft his doom, he will undoubtedly hold a firearm trained on said protagonist for at least 90 seconds while performing a well-written soliloquy. This delay is all the hero needs to escape.
  • Little girls who wear glasses always tell the truth. Little boys who wear glasses always lie.
  • Whichever tree branch the hero has perched on, the villain will invariably pause under it.
  • The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any part of the building undetected without difficulty.
  • No matter how fast you run, a psychopath can catch up to you by walking slowly.
  • In a sports movie, winning ability doesn't come from practice or natural talent. It comes from someone saying a long, inspirational rant.
  • If a rich man and a poor man are competing for a woman, only the poor man actually loves her. The rich man wants her for some other reason.
  • No matter how weak someone is, they can hang by their fingertips from ledges, cliffs, etc. for as long as it takes to be rescued.
  • Vats of deadly chemicals never have lids on them.
  • All women have shaved legs and armpits, even cavewomen.
  • When Morse code is used, the interpreter will call out words as they are being sent, rather than letters. Further-more, a single word is represented by a few "beeps".
  • Cars can take a surprising amount of damage and still run flawlessly.
  • A space ship’s warp drive will always fail at inopportune moments.
  • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
  • Downed power lines jump around like snakes, spitting sparks.
  • Bank tellers always give away the location and their intent to press the panic button by glancing repeatedly at it, until the bank robber threatens them not to press it.
  • Whenever you put on a seat belt, you will get into an accident.
  • If someone shoots a fully automatic weapon at you, running behind a banister or railing will ensure that the bullets hit only the posts.
  • The walls of a teenager's bedroom or a twenty-ish adult's apartment are always highly decorated, with every available inch of space covered with something cool.
  • If hiding in a closet is necessary there will always be plenty of room to stand with convenient open style louver doors that offer easy undetected one way viewing of anyone entering the bedroom.
  • Elevators are always right there on your floor when you need them. Unless you’re being chased, in which case they'll show up just before the monster or madman reaches you.
  • No matter how fuzzy the photograph, it can be enlarged and enhanced to show the finest detail.
  • Any government-developed virus or biological agent will have no known cure.
  • The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they are to fall in love.
  • Given an easy opportunity to kill the hero, any villain will decline, and justify this by suggesting that they "might be useful" at some point. They never are.
  • All telephone numbers in the United States begin with the digits 555.
  • People falling from high buildings always land on a car.
  • If the person you are chasing has just taken the elevator down from the 20th floor, you can get to the street first by taking the stairs.
  • If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just run a bath (even in the middle of the day) and then look in the bathroom mirror. There he is.
  • It's easy to pull the pin on a grenade with your teeth.
  • Women make a noise at the precise moment the villain is close enough to hear.
  • If an expert makes a prediction and is disbelieved, then it will come to pass exactly as he predicted. If he makes a prediction and is believed, it won’t happen.
  • People return from the dead in a very bad mood.
  • Every American military unit has a soldier named "Kowalski".
  • Deadly reptiles will always attack a woman first, even if she's in the presence of thirty men.
  • When a cat eats a fish, it leaves the skeleton perfectly reserved and intact.
  • All grocery bags contain at least one loaf of French Bread.
  • Never assume that anyone is dead unless their death was spectacular.
  • If you are blonde and pretty, you can be an expert in nuclear fission by age 22.
  • It is possible to drive safely for long periods with your head turned completely away from the road ahead, either in conversation or looking at a map.
  • Glasses are a great disguise. To mask your identity, you needn't get new clothes or a haircut, just a pair of thick-framed glasses.
  • Plans are never so crazy that they're unlikely to work.
  • Incriminating evidence will always be found easily in a stack or drawer. Important data storage will have labels like "nuclear launch code list."
  • NASA only picks the most outspoken, angriest people they can find to send into space.
  • Men who have been wrongly imprisoned never have anyone meet them when they're released.
  • In the event of a car chase, two men will carry a large pane of glass through the streets for you to drive through.
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