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Things We Have Learned From Watching Movies:

  • When you turn on the TV, the news will always be on.
  • If you're engaged, chances are good that another woman is about to wreak havoc with your relationship.
  • Characters at a bar or at a restaurant table will always get the attention of a server at the exact moment they need to order.
  • Young cops carry semi-automatic pistols, while old cops always have a pump action shotgun handy.
  • All computers display easy to understand messages in inch-high letters, especially highly secure government computers.
  • When a woman is being pursued by a scary serial killer that she knows is in her house, she will always run upstairs instead of out of the house.
  • Transportation always arrives and leaves on time.
  • If there's a helicopter involved in a chase, the hero will end up dangling from the skids.
  • If you don't have a parachute, just cling to someone who does and don't let go until you both land safely.
  • Any bullet from a handgun has enough force to throw a full-grown man ten feet back.
  • A cat will always jump out of hiding and squeal or hiss at suspenseful moments.
  • If you ever have to search a room for evidence, don’t worry if the police have already been through, you’ll still be able to find the evidence you need.
  • If you think there is an intruder in your house, your cat will choose that precise moment to leap at you.
  • No one ever gets spam in their email.
  • Even if you've been set up for murder, been framed and you have the whole world wide police force hunting you down, you will automatically live happily ever after as long as you break away from the police and kill the bad guy.
  • Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
  • Buckling seat belts is for sissies.
  • Beautiful women will always fawn over an action hero, no matter what sexist remarks he makes to them.
  • Pilots who have a pet dog suffer a 100% attrition rate.
  • If someone calls a police station and asks to speak to a detective, the receptionist won't bother to tell the detective which line the person is on, but the detective will somehow know.
  • In a group of teenagers being stalked, girls who can scream well won't die first.
  • No one dies in an elevated position without falling from there to the ground, even if they have to jump to do it.
  • Cops become more observant if they chew on toothpicks.
  • No matter how awkward, geeky, and ugly you are, you'll always get a girl on a road trip.
  • Any vehicle, no matter how complicated, can be operated after glancing at the instrument panel for 3 seconds.
  • Cemeteries generate their own weather. Usually rainstorms… and not just gentle sprinkles, but biblical downpours.
  • Women can never find their car keys while being pursued by a killer. Once they do find them, it takes them ages to fumble the keys into the ignition, giving the killer enough time to reach the car.
  • If a man and a woman meet under circumstances under which any two normal people would instantly hate each other, they will marry before the picture is over.
  • Good guys never panic, they stay cool at point black range, and bluff their way out with the “you could surely use me in your plan” crap.
  • You can break into any house or door with a credit card.
  • The more evil someone is, the harder it is to kill them.
  • Movie timing is always exact. If "it will take two minutes to trace his call," for example, you can be sure that that means 120 seconds. Same for bombs and how long it takes to get somewhere.
  • A pudgy older star who's visibly falling behind his partner during a chase scene will catch up with him while the camera's looking away.
  • Heavy guns, for example on helicopters, cause cosmetic damage to the hero’s transport, but one bullet makes the chopper blow up.
  • A man becomes invulnerable if he strips to the waist.
  • In any movie where "something" has happened and villagers come to look at it, they always decide to "go for help". The most expendable member of the group is left to "keep an eye on it", and supplied with a weapon or signaling device "in case something happens". Said member ALWAYS responds: "What could happen?" This is a certain signal that he will die, gruesomely, within 2 minutes.
  • Single parent families have the most fun. But their kids are always getting kidnapped.
  • If you quickly start stuffing a hard shelled suitcase with clothes in order to leave in a hurry you will always get caught in the bedroom before you can close the lid.
  • You don't need the right software because any computer can open any file.
  • If a man and a woman are exposed to the same conditions and the same environment, the man will need to wear more clothing than the woman.
  • Serial killers never just die… they will remain still for ages so that the hero is fooled and walks right past them… at which point the killer grabs their ankle and then keeps fighting.
  • Women's skin and hair can't be damaged by natural disasters, though their clothing can be shredded.
  • Circuit breakers don't work.
  • You can easily kick someone off of a motorcycle no matter how fast they're going, and you won't get hurt in the process.
  • If in a battle scene a bad guy actually manages to shoot a good guy, the good guy’s friend always has time to listen to his friend’s dying speech. Once dead, the friend stands up and shoots the correct bad guy (amongst a whole host of bad guys).
  • Summer camps are open for children from ages five through twenty.
  • In battle, a normal peon soldier is shot with one bullet and instantly drops dead to the ground, while the protagonist in said battle can be shot in various places by multiple shooters, and survive.
  • One person shooting at you may hit you. Twenty people shooting at you will always miss.
  • Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
  • Building ventilation ducts are always clean.
  • Aliens will always have more advanced technology than us.
  • Psychos are never products of traumatic childhoods or any brain disorder, they're just innately evil and their motive is usually to play games with you.
  • Shooting at a lock with a pistol opens it really easily.
  • In a spaceship battle scene, for a ship to fire a weapon at another, it must be in visual range.
  • The head bad guy will always make a suicidal last attempt to kill the hero, no matter how badly he is beaten, so the hero can shrug it off as self-defense.
  • The hero's weapon is always different from everyone else's weapon.
  • Give a man one gun and he's Superman. Give him two, and he's God.
  • Postmen always bring vitally important letters, never unsolicited catalogs or bills or junk mail.
  • When email arrives, the entire screen of the computer animates a huge envelope opening.
  • Everybody knows how to operate a motorcycle, manual transmission, and large trucks.
  • Only the Marines fought the war in the Pacific. No Army personnel were involved.
  • Dogs always bark at ghosts.
  • Cannons, howitzers, and main tank guns never recoil, unless it's old documentary footage.
  • Heroes and villains can successfully use wood, no matter how thin, as a safe shield against bullets of any caliber.
  • No ship, base, or compound ever has more than one emergency radio.
  • All watches and clocks are synchronized to the second.
  • Cops running on foot can easily catch up to speeding cars, especially if the cop runs over the tops of parked cars instead of on a smooth, flat road.
  • Soldiers who travel by helicopter never load their weapons until they are aboard the helicopter.
  • When people come to say goodbye to others leaving on an airplane or boat, that means they're not coming back.
  • Computers never freeze or crash, unlike in the real world.
  • You can stop a runaway car by crashing it into a wall at the bottom of a long hill, but not at the top.
  • The only courses taught in American high schools are American History and English.
  • Whenever anyone is chased to a staircase, s/he will run upstairs rather than down.
  • Labor never lasts hours and hours. Babies pop out within minutes.
  • Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the TV on.
  • A message in Morse Code starts several seconds before someone interprets it, however, no information is lost as the message actually begins when the interpreter starts to read it.
  • All G.I.s know how to make a still out of a Jeep radiator.
  • All white street gangs have one black kid, but black street gangs don't reciprocate on that deal.
  • People who don't know their parentage turn out to be either very rich or aristocracy.
  • People rarely use the bathroom, and if they do, they’re usually dead within minutes.
  • People pursued by the most dogged policeman or FBI agent are invariably innocent.
  • Restaurant bills are always 15% less than the amount you are holding in your hand.
  • Light level is not a reliable gauge of whether it's night outside. You have to judge by the cricket noises.
  • Major characters never run out of ammunition, nor need to reload. If they do have to reload, they never carried spare ammo until that scene.
  • The detectives in Internal Affairs hate all other cops, and are never justified in investigating complaints of excessive force.
  • It's easy to open the door of an aircraft while in flight.
  • Cats are spring-loaded and are most commonly found inside closets or cabinets that are equipped with doors that can’t be operated by cats.
  • Bad guys are easy to spot. They always wear black leather jackets and trench coats, even if it's 120 degrees Fahrenheit outside.
  • If you’re trying to solve a crime, you’re allowed to commit any crimes you want in the process (grand theft auto, breaking and entering, resisting arrest) without fear of prosecution once it’s all over.
  • Exposure to a vacuum in space makes you swell up horribly and explode within seconds.
  • Attractive women sometimes fall for weird-looking aliens, but attractive men only fall for attractive women.
  • Women worry about their nails or dresses even while people are trying to kill them.
  • All pistols shoot at least 20 times.
  • Characters use silencers on revolvers... and they work.
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