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  Humor Quotes

This section contains Humor Quotes

If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes. (Quote by - Helen Giangregorio)

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide. (Quote by - Mahatma Gandhi)

When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him. (Quote by - Gloria Vanderbilt)

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song. (Quote by - Jack Handey)

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you. (Quote by - Jack Handey)

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. (Quote by - Fred Allen)

If you don't learn to laugh at troubles, you won't have anything to laugh at when you grow old. (Quote by - Edward W. Howe)

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die. (Quote by - W. Somerset Maugham)

The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. (Quote by - Tom Waits)

Maybe this world is another planet's hell. (Quote by - Aldous Huxley)

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. (Quote by - Rita Mae Brown)

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic. (Quote by - Jack Handey)

Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs. (Quote by - Christopher Morley)

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. (Quote by - Elayne Boosler)

If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. (Quote by - Elbert Hubbard)

All generalizations are bad. (Quote by - R.H. Grenier)

Wit is the lowest form of humor. (Quote by - Alexander Pope)

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. (Quote by - Drew Carey)

The gods too are fond of a joke. (Quote by - Bertolt Brecht)

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. (Quote by - Carl Zwanzig)

My mother was awarded the Serbian medal of freedom for raising 3 dysfunctional Croatian sons. (Quote by - Fd)

I've always been very zealous about not invading other people's private spaces. (Quote by - Peter Jennings)

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. (Quote by - H.L. Mencken)

Good humor is one of the preservatives of our peace and tranquility (Quote by - Thomas Jefferson)

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. (Quote by - Mark Twain)

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