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Funny taglines found in email signatures, forum postings, and on Facebook:

  • After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
  • It's not if you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
  • I had a handle on life ... then it fell off.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  • My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
  • Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
  • You know how dumb the average guy is? Well, by definition, half of them are even dumber than that.
  • A clear conscience is actually a bad memory.
  • Proverb: Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
  • Always listen to experts tell you why it can't be done, then do it.
  • The 4 food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant & Microwave
  • A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  • Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
  • We are the people our parents warned us about.
  • Gravity brings me down.
  • A leading authority is someone lucky who guessed right.
  • Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
  • If you can't be a good example, at least be a terrible warning.
  • A bachelor is a hunter that never Mrs.
  • When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.
  • A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
  • Opportunist: Someone finding himself in hot water, decides to bathe.
  • Make it idiot proof, and someone will make a better idiot.
  • Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
  • Worry: The interest paid on trouble before it's due.
  • It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
  • I'd be unstoppable, if I could only get started.
  • The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
  • Proverb: Man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy.
  • A memo is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
  • Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman
  • The future isn't what it used to be.
  • Silence cannot be misquoted.
  • Always fill your canteen upstream of the herd.
  • I'm not opinionated, I'm just always right.
  • A person who looks up to God rarely looks down on People.
  • A friend: someone who likes you even after they know you.
  • Give a woman an inch and she thinks she's a ruler.
  • Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
  • A will is a dead giveaway.
  • You can't propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back
  • 7 Days without pizza makes one weak...
  • Genius has its limits, Stupidity doesn't.
  • If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • Alimony: The fee a woman charges for name-dropping.
  • A cynic is man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
  • Air, Fire, Water, and Earth. Elementary, my dear Watson.
  • A good pun is its own reword.
  • Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
  • Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  • A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  • Never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up.
  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • Men play the game; women know the score.
  • Unemployment is not working.
  • Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were.
  • I'm in no shape to exercise.
  • Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried.
  • The mind is like a parachute, it works only when open.
  • An expert is someone from out of town.
  • All recipes require at least one extra trip to the store.
  • Ideas are not responsible for their followers.
  • If nothing can go wrong, something will.
  • Insanity is just a state of mind.
  • Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
  • Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely.
  • No job is too small to screw up.
  • A technique is a trick that works.
  • Unwritten laws can not be erased.
  • Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.
  • When did my wild oats turn to shredded wheat?
  • The more you say, the less people remember.
  • A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
  • The only thing shorter than a weekend is a vacation.
  • If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
  • Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. - Bill Watterson ("Calvin and Hobbes" cartoonist)
  • Confucius say: Man with no legs bums around.
  • Diplomacy: Saying "go to hell" such that they look forward to the trip.
  • Don't start with me. You know how I get.
  • Remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
  • Experience: a name everyone gives to his mistakes.
  • If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
  • Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
  • A fair tax is one that you pay, but I don't.
  • If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
  • If it's too loud, you're too old.
  • An idea is a curious thing. It won't work unless you do.
  • When it's up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
  • We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
  • The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
  • Don't worry, I'm fluent in weirdo
  • Proverb: Man who sleep in bed of nails is holy.
  • I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.
  • I show a clear pattern of unpredictability.
  • Sacred cows make good hamburgers.
  • Just another inmate in this asylum.
  • Iím not loafing. I work so fast Iím always finished.
  • Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.
  • Don't itch for what you don't intend to scratch.
  • There are no stupid questions, except for the ones you ask.
  • I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends. - Abraham Lincoln
  • No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
  • A closed mind gathers no intelligence.
  • Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker
  • All's well that ends with a good meal.
  • Some people come home to unwind; others come home to unravel.
  • Why is it called common sense when there is so little of it?
  • Help! I'm parked diagonally in a parallel universe.
  • All work and no play, will make you a manager.
  • Alarm clock: Something that makes people rise and whine.
  • A person who isn't making waves isn't paddling hard enough.
  • A bore is a man who, when asked how he is, tells you.
  • A feminist bookstore has no humor section.
  • Are we roadkill on the Information Superhighway?
  • I'm not prejudiced - I hate everybody equally.
  • I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.
  • The root of all evil makes a pretty good tea.
  • Dance as if no one were watching, Sing as if no one were listening, And live every day as if it were your last.
  • There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
  • An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
  • You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.
  • A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
  • Spare yourself many hard falls; don't jump to conclusions
  • Even the dullest candle burns brighter in the dark.
  • People are always available for work in the past tense.
  • Sometimes I wake up grouchy, sometimes I let her sleep.
  • Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
  • You know you're growing older when you look forward to a dull evening.
  • People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.
  • Overweight just sorta snacks up on you.
  • War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
  • Agnostics are merely atheists with an insurance policy.
  • Adults are just kids who owe money.
  • In plumbing, a straight flush is better than a full house.
  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  • I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go.
  • If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of progress?
  • The number watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
  • Dogs come when you call. Cats have voicemail.
  • Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.
  • Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
  • Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
  • Red ship crashes into blue ship Ė sailors marooned.
  • A wise man may look ridiculous in the company of fools.
  • A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
  • Growing older is mandatory...growing up is optional.
  • Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • You can lead a man to ponder; you cannot make him think.
  • The things that come to those who wait are the things left behind by those who got there first.
  • All STRESSED out, and NO ONE to CHOKE!
  • At the end of your rope? Tie a knot and swing.
  • A lecture on time travel will be held yesterday.
  • A father is a banker provided by nature.
  • A woman cries before the wedding, a man after.
  • The only difference between a brave man and a coward is the direction that they run.
  • It doesn't matter whether you win or lose - until you lose.
  • A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships were built for.
  • I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
  • Skating away on the thin ice of a new day.
  • I dreamed I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
  • I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
  • Do it right the first time and nobody will appreciate how hard it was.
  • Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
  • Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet.
  • The older you get the greater you were.
  • There are two rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
  • This is Abuse. Arguments are down the hall.
  • I float like an anchor and sting like a moth.
  • Proverb: Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
  • A man with no destination is already lost.
  • The light at the end of the tunnel could be a flame thrower.
  • Software bugs are sons of glitches.
  • When you throw your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by someone else.
  • The thoughtless are rarely wordless.
  • Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it.
  • Freedom is just chaos with better lighting.
  • Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
  • Your piss poor planning is not necessarily my emergency.
  • How young can you die of old age?
  • A conclusion is what you reach when you get tired of thinking.
  • Proverb: Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
  • If your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
  • Itís easy to be brave from a safe distance.
  • Every day is starting to look like Monday.
  • What if there were no hypothetical situations?
  • If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it.
  • May the hinges of our friendship never grow rusty.
  • An unemployed court jester is nobody's fool.
  • Ambivalence: My mother-in-law drives my Porsche over a cliff.
  • If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
  • Apathy workshop canceled due to lack of interest.
  • A lady is a woman who can make a man act like a Gentleman.
  • The agony of delete.
  • A sense of humor is mandatory when living with a dog.
  • Today is the first day of the rest of this mess.
  • A double standard's better than no standard at all.
  • There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
  • Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
  • If you have a difficult task, give it to someone lazy ... that person will find an easier way to do it.
  • I bet you have never seen a plumber bite his nails.
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