Humor Quotes
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How do the angels get to sleep when the devil leaves the porch light on? (Quote by - Tom Waits)
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. (Quote by - Sir Winston Churchill)
Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth. (Quote by - Victor Borge)
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. (Quote by - Jack Handey)
Unconscious humor. (Quote by - Samuel Butler)
Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals. (Quote by - Agnes Repplier)
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit. (Quote by - Mary Pettibone Poole)
Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. (Quote by - Max Eastman)
We never respect those who amuse us, however we may smile at their comic powers. (Quote by - Marguerite Gardiner)
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny. (Quote by - Jack Handey)
Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him. (Quote by - Romain Gary)
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.' (Quote by - Jack Handey)
As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around. (Quote by - Robert Braul)
A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles. (Quote by - Mignon McLaughlin)
Humor is... despair refusing to take itself seriously. (Quote by - Arland Ussher)
When a thought takes one's breath away, a grammar lesson seems an impertinence. (Quote by - Thomas W Higginson)
Humor helps us to think out of the box. The average child laughs about 400 times per day, the average adult laughs only 15 times per day. What happened to the other 385 laughs? (Quote by - Similar)
A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections. (Quote by - George Eliot)
Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen. (Quote by - Douglas Adams)
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. (Quote by - George Bernard Shaw)
Humor is richly rewarding to the person who employs it It has some value in gaining and holding attention, but it has no persuasive value at all. (Quote by - John Kenneth Galbraith)
I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks. (Quote by - Jack Handey)
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. (Quote by - Dave Barry)
Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it. (Quote by - Bill Cosby)
If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes. (Quote by - Helen Giangregorio)
If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide. (Quote by - Mahatma Gandhi)
When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him. (Quote by - Gloria Vanderbilt)
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song. (Quote by - Jack Handey)
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you. (Quote by - Jack Handey)
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. (Quote by - Fred Allen)
If you don't learn to laugh at troubles, you won't have anything to laugh at when you grow old. (Quote by - Edward W. Howe)
With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die. (Quote by - W. Somerset Maugham)
The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. (Quote by - Tom Waits)
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. (Quote by - Aldous Huxley)
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. (Quote by - Rita Mae Brown)
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic. (Quote by - Jack Handey)
Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs. (Quote by - Christopher Morley)
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. (Quote by - Elayne Boosler)
If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. (Quote by - Elbert Hubbard)
All generalizations are bad. (Quote by - R.H. Grenier)
Wit is the lowest form of humor. (Quote by - Alexander Pope)
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. (Quote by - Drew Carey)
The gods too are fond of a joke. (Quote by - Bertolt Brecht)
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. (Quote by - Carl Zwanzig)
My mother was awarded the Serbian medal of freedom for raising 3 dysfunctional Croatian sons. (Quote by - Fd)
I've always been very zealous about not invading other people's private spaces. (Quote by - Peter Jennings)
Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. (Quote by - H.L. Mencken)
Good humor is one of the preservatives of our peace and tranquility (Quote by - Thomas Jefferson)
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. (Quote by - Mark Twain)
There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God. (Quote by - Bill Cosby)
Great men are rarely isolated mountain peaks; they are the summits of ranges. (Quote by - Thomas W Higginson)
She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. (Quote by - Mae West)
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny. (Quote by - Thomas Carlyle)
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place. (Quote by - Mark Twain)
Nobody ever died of laughter. (Quote by - Max Beerbohm)
Humore is an affirmation of man's dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him. (Quote by - Romain Cary)
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say, 'That's dynamite, baby.' (Quote by - Jack Handey)
There's a woman in China having a baby every 6 minutes. They're trying to find her to stop her. (Quote by - Jr)
A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents. (Quote by - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg)
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing. (Quote by - Jack Handey)
If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor. (Quote by - Jennifer Jones)
Comedy has to be based on truth You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end. (Quote by - Sid Caesar)
Humor is reason gone mad. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it. (Quote by - Bill Cosby)
A Christmas tree .. the perfect gift for a guy the plant is already dead (monologue Dec 10 2003). (Quote by - Jay Leno)
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling. (Quote by - Fredrich)
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. (Quote by - Douglas Adams)
The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense. (Quote by - Jacob August Riis)
There's no such thing as fun for the whole family. (Quote by - Jerry Seinfeld)
Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. (Quote by - P.D. East)
A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name. (Quote by - Evan Esar)
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
Wit is cultured insolence. (Quote by - Aristotle)
It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously. (Quote by - Oscar Wilde)
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. (Quote by - Jack Handey)
Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. (Quote by - Robin Williams)
Those who are serious in ridiculous matters will be ridiculous in serious matters. (Quote by - Cato the Elder)
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. (Quote by - Attributed to Arthur McBride Bloch)
A rich man's joke is always funny. (Quote by - Thomas Edward Brown)
A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself. (Quote by - Jessamyn West)
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four unless there are three other people. (Quote by - Orson Welles)
WARNING: Humor may be hazardous to your illness. (Quote by - Ellie Katz)
The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. (Quote by - Nicholas Chamfort)
A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life. (Quote by - Hugh Sidey)
Men show their character in nothing more clearly than by what they find laughable. (Quote by - Anonymous)
Now I perceive the devil understands Welsh. And 'tis no marvel he is so humorous. By'r Lady, he is a good musician. (Quote by - William Shakespeare)
One never needs their humor as much a when they argue with a fool. (Quote by - Chinese Proverbs)
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be laughing, then jumping off something. (Quote by - Jack Handey)
Humor is tragedy plus time (Quote by - Mark Twain)
A sense of humor is needed armor Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life. (Quote by - Hugh Sidey)
You can't have everything... where would you put it? (Quote by - Steven Wright)
The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good. (Quote by - Robert Graves)
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them. (Quote by - Jack Handey)
It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term. (Quote by - Mark Twain)
He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news. (Quote by - Anthony Burgess)
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. (Quote by - Jack Handey)
That is the best -- to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny. (Quote by - Horace Walpole)
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think. (Quote by - Horace Walpole)
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night (Quote by - Dave Barry)
Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn. (Quote by - Irvin S Cobb)
I said that Sean Hannity took residence up Newt Gingrich's butt from 94 to 98. I got that from British intelligence. It turns out he only took up residence in 95. (Quote by - Al Franken)
Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer. (Quote by - Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless)
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' (Quote by - Charles M. Schulz)
Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes. (Quote by - Douglas Adams)
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. (Quote by - John Kenneth Galbraith)
The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth. (Quote by - George Jean Nathan)
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. (Quote by - George Ade)
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world. (Quote by - George Bernard Shaw)
Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said 'Now who's asking the questions?' (Quote by - Jack Handey)
The real reason for comedy is to hide the pain. (Quote by - Wendy Wasserstein)
The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance. (Quote by - Peter De Vries)
He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed. (Quote by - Harry Kalas)
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit. (Quote by - Aristotle)
One doesn't have a sense of humor It has you. (Quote by - Larry Gelbart)
Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius. (Quote by - Thomas Carlyle)
There's the Humor of it. (Quote by - William Shakespeare)
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. (Quote by - Agnes Repplier)
He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs. (Quote by - Torvald Gahlin)
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is. (Quote by - Francis Bacon)
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it 'dull' that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull? (Quote by - Jack Handey)
In the end, everything is a gag. (Quote by - Terry Cohen)
This I conceive to be the chemical function of humor: to change the character of our thought. (Quote by - Lin Yutang)
A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road. (Quote by - Henry Ward Beecher)
Man was predestined to have free will. (Quote by - Hal Lee Luyah)
A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge. (Quote by - Robert Brault)
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? (Quote by - George Carlin)
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. (Quote by - Lyn Karol)
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. (Quote by - Fred Allen)
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it. (Quote by - Jack Handey)
Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. (Quote by - Similar)
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood (Quote by - Mary Hirsch)
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things (Quote by - George Carlin)
A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life. (Quote by - William Arthur Ward)
Is anything besides the mind ever boggled? (Quote by - O Anna Niemus)
Press the any key ... hmmm where's the any key? (Quote by - Dan Castellaneta)
when all this started, I asked myself, 'Am I going to withdraw from the world, like most people do, or am I going to live?' I decided I am going to live-or at least try to live-the way I want, with dignity, with courage, with humor, with composure. (Quote by - Mitch Albom)
I am no longer a curmudgeon. I am a curmudgeon emeritus. (Quote by - James Gibbons)
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. (Quote by - E B White)
Miss Piggy to Johnny Carson .. do you think I am Oscar material? Johnny Carson: Oscar Mayer maybe NBC Tonight Show writers http://www.mad-cow.org. (Quote by - Tonight Show Carson Writers)
Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker. (Quote by - From the movie Naked)
Humor is not a postscript or an incidental afterthought; it is a serious and weighty part of the world's economy. One feels increasingly the height of the faculty in which it arises, the nobility of things associated with it, and the greatness of services it renders. (Quote by - Oscar W. Firkins)
The most wasted day of all is that in which we have not laughed. (Quote by - Charlie Chaplin)
There is no defense against adverse fortune which is so effectual as an habitual sense of humor. (Quote by - Thomas W Higginson)
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. (Quote by - Bob Edwards)
Everything human is pathetic The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow There is no humor in heaven. (Quote by - Mark Twain)
After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. (Quote by - P.J. O'Rourke)
Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius. (Quote by - Thomas Carlyle)
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. (Quote by - Jack Handey)
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. (Quote by - Jack Handey)
I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. (Quote by - Frank Howard Clark)
Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at. (Quote by - Clive James)
An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. (Quote by - William Castle)
Murphy was an optimist. (Quote by - O'Toole's Commentary)
I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at (Quote by - Similar)
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If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.' (Quote by - Jack Handey)
If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me. (Quote by - Song title by Jimmy Buffet)
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver…and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him. (Quote by - Jack Handey)
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission? (Quote by - Nigel Rees)
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point. (Quote by - Jack Handey)
Humor is the affectionate communication of insight. (Quote by - eo Rosten)
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. (Quote by - Colin Sautar)
Learn to laugh at your troubles and you'll never run out of things to laugh at. (Quote by - Walt Kelly)
She was what we used to call a suicide blond - dyed by her own hand. (Quote by - Saul Bellow)
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. (Quote by - Charles Schulz)
You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people. (Quote by - Conan O'Brien)
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like 'Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!' and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, 'That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.' Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice. (Quote by - Jack Handey)
I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor. (Quote by - Edward Albee)
When humor goes, there goes civilization. (Quote by - Erma Bombeck)
Eskimo: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" Priest: "No, not if you did not know." Eskimo: "Then why did you tell me?" (Quote by - Annie Dillard)
The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh for five seconds and think for ten minutes. (Quote by - William Davis)
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. (Quote by - Jack Handey)
Nothing is so galling to a people not broken in from the birth as a paternal, or in other words a meddling government, a government which tells them what to read and say and eat and drink and wear. (Quote by - Thomas W Higginson)
English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England! (Quote by - Dan Castellaneta)
Humor is just another defense against the universe. (Quote by - Mel Brooks)
A joke is a very serious thing. (Quote by - Winston Churchill)
Love is an attachment to another self. Humor is a form of self-detachment - a way of looking at one's existence, one's misfortune, or one's discomfort. If you really love, if you really know how to laugh, the result is the same: you forget yourself. (Quote by - Similar)
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I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants. (Quote by - Dave Beard)
A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke - and that the joke is oneself. (Quote by - Clifton Paul Fadiman)
I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? (Quote by - Jerry Seinfield)
I never dare to write As funny as I can. (Quote by - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.)
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. (Quote by - Peter Ustinov)
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain. (Quote by - Edward De Bono)
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. (Quote by - Jane Wagner)
Folks that blurt out just what they think wouldn't be so bad if they thought. (Quote by - Kin Hubbard)
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. (Quote by - Bill Watterson)
He who laughs, lasts. (Quote by - John Powell)
