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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play. (Quote by - George Carlin)

Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. (Quote by - George Carlin)

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem. (Quote by - George Carlin)

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine. (Quote by - George Carlin)

While I was doing this, a neighbor walked up, and I just want to say that if you think it's easy to explain why you're squatting in your driveway, in front of a set of burning underwear, surrounded by hair spray bottles, holding a Barbie doll in your hand, then you are mistaken. (Quote by - Dave Barry)

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. (Quote by - George Burns)

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. (Quote by - George Burns)

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. (Quote by - Woody Allen)

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow. (Quote by - Dave Barry)

I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious. (Quote by - George Carlin)

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. (Quote by - George Burns)

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. (Quote by - George Burns)

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. (Quote by - David Letterman)

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. (Quote by - Steven Wright)

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it. (Quote by - George Burns)

First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did. (Quote by - George Burns)

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, I'd like some fries. Thegirl at the counter said, Would you like some fries with that. (Quote by - Jay Leno)


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