Comedians Quotes
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If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play. (Quote by - George Carlin)
Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. (Quote by - George Carlin)
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem. (Quote by - George Carlin)
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine. (Quote by - George Carlin)
While I was doing this, a neighbor walked up, and I just want to say that if you think it's easy to explain why you're squatting in your driveway, in front of a set of burning underwear, surrounded by hair spray bottles, holding a Barbie doll in your hand, then you are mistaken. (Quote by - Dave Barry)
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. (Quote by - George Burns)
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. (Quote by - George Burns)
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow. (Quote by - Dave Barry)
I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious. (Quote by - George Carlin)
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. (Quote by - George Burns)
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. (Quote by - George Burns)
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. (Quote by - David Letterman)
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it. (Quote by - George Burns)
First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did. (Quote by - George Burns)
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, I'd like some fries. Thegirl at the counter said, Would you like some fries with that. (Quote by - Jay Leno)
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours. He said, Yes, but not in a row. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again. (Quote by - George Carlin)
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter. (Quote by - George Carlin)
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
The reigning Miss Canada has been arrested for punching out another woman in a bar fight.Quite frankly, I think it's refreshing to finally find one beauty pageant winner who is against world peace. (Quote by - Jay Leno)
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. perhaps you've seen it. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night. (Quote by - Charlie Brown)
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. (Quote by - George Burns)
This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two. (Quote by - George Burns)
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
I must confess, I was born at a very early age. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in. (Quote by - Tommy Cooper)
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
We seek our friend not sacredly, but with an adulterate passion which would appropriate him to ourselves. (Quote by - Ralph Waldo Emerson)
Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. (Quote by - Tommy Cooper)
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. (Quote by - Dave Barry)
When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile. (Quote by - George Burns)
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said (Quote by - Tommy Cooper)
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country. (Quote by - George Carlin)
I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now— I'm booked. (Quote by - George Burns)
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. (Quote by - Marty Feldman)
Eighty percent of success is showing up. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself. (Quote by - George Carlin)
I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there. (Quote by - George Carlin)
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, That's a turn-up for the books. (Quote by - Tommy Cooper)
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? (Quote by - Steven Wright)
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. (Quote by - Les Dawson)
Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
Imagine how thick Japanese people's photo albums must be. (Quote by - George Carlin)
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. (Quote by - George Carlin)
I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill. (Quote by - George Burns)
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. (Quote by - Johnny Carson)
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. (Quote by - Mel Brooks)
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. (Quote by - George Carlin)
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store. with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. (Quote by - Jim Carrey)
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. (Quote by - Dave Barry)
Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
So I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why. (Quote by - Tommy Cooper)
Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing ''Embraceable You'' in spats. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast. (Quote by - George Carlin)
I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much time. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. (Quote by - George Burns)
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. (Quote by - Tommy Cooper)
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Don't you find it funny that all these tough-guy boxers are fighting over a purse. (Quote by - George Carlin)
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense. (Quote by - George Carlin)
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, Hello, Information. I said, I can't find my socks. She said, They're behind the couch. And they were. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that. (Quote by - Steve Martin)
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. (Quote by - Emo Philips)
I had to stop driving my car for a while. the tires got dizzy. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking. (Quote by - Tommy Cooper)
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view. (Quote by - George Carlin)
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. (Quote by - Ellen DeGeneris)
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
What's all this I hear about 'Endangered Feces'? What? That's 'Endangered Species'? Never mind. (Quote by - Emily Latella)
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
Swimming is not a sport, swimming is a way to keep from drowning! That's just common sense. (Quote by - George Carlin)
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house. (Quote by - George Burns)
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood. (Quote by - Tommy Cooper)
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous everyone hasn't met me yet. (Quote by - Rodney Dangerfield)
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, Have you got anything I'd like? Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, Extra medium. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. (Quote by - George Carlin)
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. (Quote by - Jane Wagner)
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
How young can you die of old age. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, What for? I said, I'm going to buy some sugar. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Black holes are where God divided by zero. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. (Quote by - George Carlin)
I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the last one left. (Quote by - George Burns)
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt. (Quote by - George Carlin)
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said pet supplies. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said compact cars. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
Go, and never darken my towels again. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. (Quote by - Dave Edison)
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, where nobody can retrieve it. (Quote by - George Carlin)
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. (Quote by - George Burns)
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. (Quote by - Henry Youngman)
If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein's army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large. (Quote by - George Carlin)
He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. (Quote by - Carol Leifer)
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. (Quote by - Gilda Radner)
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
I like to reminisce with people I don't know. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. (Quote by - Johnny Carson)
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. (Quote by - George Carlin)
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
I failed to make the chess team because of my height. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box. (Quote by - Wil Shriner)
Judo is like a ballet, except there's no music,and the dancers knock each other down. (Quote by - Paulette Sedgwick)
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. (Quote by - Rita Rudner)
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
I invented the cordless extension cord. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary. (Quote by - George Carlin)
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. (Quote by - Eric Morecambe)
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible. (Quote by - George Burns)
I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public. (Quote by - George Carlin)
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. (Quote by - George Carlin)
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge. you can't hear him talk. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. (Quote by - George Carlin)
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something. (Quote by - George Burns)
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, Look, it's always gonna be me! (Quote by - Rita Rudner)
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
I said Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it. (Quote by - Tommy Cooper)
Room service? Send up a larger room. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. (Quote by - Jerry Seinfeld)
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
I have an existential map. It has You are here written all over it. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch. (Quote by - George Burns)
I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, Because I'm your father. (Quote by - Dave George)
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your face. (Quote by - Anita Wise)
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. (Quote by - Dave Barry)
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. (Quote by - Bob Hope)
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. (Quote by - Sue Murphy)
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. (Quote by - Emo Philips)
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman— or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle. (Quote by - George Burns)
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere. (Quote by - George Burns)
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
In Beverly Hills. they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you. (Quote by - Tommy Cooper)
It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. (Quote by - George Burns)
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly). and says, Here, you can go. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it. (Quote by - George Carlin)
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
On Opening Day, the President doesn't throw OUT the first ball. He throws it IN. If he threw it out, it would land in the parking lot and someone would have to go get it. (Quote by - George Carlin)
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post (Quote by - George Carlin)
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. (Quote by - Spike Milligan)
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. (Quote by - George Burns)
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. (Quote by - Pearl Williams)
I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age. (Quote by - George Burns)
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it. (Quote by - George Burns)
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they. (Quote by - George Carlin)
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. (Quote by - Monty Python)
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
It is every man's obligation to put back into the world at least the equivalent of what he takes out of it. (Quote by - Albert Einstein)
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said Cut it out. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
I wrote a few children's books. not on purpose. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. (Quote by - Spike Milligan)
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up. (Quote by - George Burns)
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
How come none of these boxers seem to have a losing record. (Quote by - George Carlin)
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. (Quote by - Jackie Mason)
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
I installed a skylight in my apartment. the people who live above me are furious. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is. (Quote by - Paul Merton)
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. (Quote by - George Burns)
Women should be obscene and not heard. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it. (Quote by - George Burns)
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Can you give me a lift. (Quote by - Tommy Cooper)
And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
At my age flowers scare me. (Quote by - George Burns)
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it. (Quote by - George Carlin)
A man's only as old as the woman he feels. (Quote by - Groucho Marx)
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. (Quote by - George Carlin)
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. (Quote by - Steven Wright)
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle. (Quote by - Woody Allen)
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. (Quote by - George Burns)
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. (Quote by - Sue Kolinsky)
Medicine reports that it has already happened. A new-born baby laughing like crazy, its hands full of pills. (Quote by - Sam Levenson)
