- What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved.
- Why shouldn't you go outside if it's raining cats and dogs?
Because you might step in a poodle!
- What do you get from a pampered cow?
- How many words are in The English Dictionary?
- What are two things you can't have for lunch?
Breakfast and dinner.
- Why did the computer need glasses?
To fix his web sight.
- What's black and white and red all over?
- What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
- Did you hear the story about the really messy bed?
Of course not, it hasn't been made yet.
- What does a spy do when he gets cold?
He goes undercover.
- Why does lightning shock people?
Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.
- What do bumblebees put in the bathtub first?
- Did you hear the story about the ceiling?
I'm afraid it's over your head.
- Did you hear the story about the unsharpened pencil?
There's really no point to it.
- Why was the belt arrested?
Because it held up the pants.
- Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?"
- I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
- I had a dream I was a muffler and I woke up exhausted.
- Knock knock
I didn't know you had a cold!
- I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.
- Two nuns are driving down the road when Dracula jumps out.
"Quickly," says the first, "show him your cross".
The other winds down the window, leans out and yells "Get out of the road you jerk!"
- Will you remember me in a minute? (yes)
Will you remember me in a hour? (yes)
Will you remember me in a day? (yes)
Knock knock? (who's there)
Hey... I thought you said you would remember me!
- A man walks in to a library and says to the librarian: "Fish and chips please"
The librarian says: "This is a library"
The man says "oh sorry *wisper* fish and chips please
- Guy 1: Somebody said you sounded like an owl.
Guy 2: Who?