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A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."

I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Argon walks into a bar, bartender says "SCRAM! We don't serve Noble gasses!" Argon doesn't react.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He’s 0K now.

Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?
Because it's in the ground state.

Higgs Boson goes to the Vatican. The pope says "What you doing here Higgs?" Higgs replies "You can't have mass without me!"
How do you organize a space party? You planet.

There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary. And those who don't.

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, "No, I'm traveling light."

How should chemistry be studied? Periodically.

Adam went to Wimpy's Hamburger Restaurant. He asked the waitress, "Do you really serve the meanest burgers in town?" She said, "That's what our motto is, sir! And we are very true to it."
Adam ordered a hamburger and ate it. While collecting the check, the waitress asked him, "How did you like our burger, sir?"
Adam said, "Mmmeh! It was about average." The waitress beamed with joy and exclaimed, "You see! We are so true to our motto..."

Silver and Gold walk into a bar.
Bartender says “‘ey you, get outta here!”
Gold leaves the bar.

I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

A Higgs boson walks into a church. The priest says, "Get out, you blasphemer. How dare you call yourself the 'God particle'?" The Higgs boson replies: "But I make up the mass."

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.

What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologist: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."

I constantly push the envelope, but it stays stationary.

Where does bad light land?
In Prism.

A neutrino walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind." Neutrino replies, "Just passing through."

What do you call a microbiologist that has traveled to every country in the world?
A man of many cultures.

Old chemistry teachers never die, they just fail to react.

A linguistics professor decided to spice up his lecture by comparing languages to mathematics. As he scribbled examples on the board, he explained how both math and languages had positives and negatives.  "In both math and language, two negatives, when combined, make a positive. However," he droned on, "in math or language two positives never make a negative."
From the back row of the room one student sighed, "Yeah, right."

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side.

Mac: I don't know much about electricity
Teacher: It is shocking.

Do you know any good jokes about sodium? Na.

Two atoms are walking along. One of them says:
“Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive.”

Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.

Have you heard that entropy isn't what it used to be?

What did the biologist wear on his first date?
Designer jeans.

Two bytes are in a bar. One says to the other, "I'm not feeling that well. I think I have a parity error". The other byte responds, "I thought you looked a bit off!"

Where do you put dirty dishes?
In the zinc.

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
You may have graduated but I've got many degrees.

Heisenberg is driving one one day, with Schrödinger riding shotgun. They get pulled over."Do you have any idea how fast you where going?" the officer asks. "No," replies Heisenberg, "but I know precisely where I was." Suspicious, the officer asks that they pop the trunk. He asks, "Did you know you've got a dead cat in here?" Schrödinger replies, "Well, we do now!"

What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!

A man walks into a bar, goes to the bartender and says, "Give me ten times the number of drinks everyone has in this bar!"
The bartender says, "Wow. That's an order of magnitude."

Why didn’t the quantum particle cross the road? He was already on both sides.

Rene Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says, and vanishes in a puff of logic.

There are 3 types of people in the world. Those that can count, and those that can't.

Teacher: The Amazon river flows in which state?
Mac: In liquid state.

What do they do to dead chemists?
Barium.

Absolute zero is cool.

Why is electricity so dangerous?
It doesn't conduct itself.

A quantum physicist walks into a bar... ...maybe.

An SQL query walks into a bar, goes up to two tables and asks, "May I join you?"

Black Holes suck.

I want to make a good chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon.

Never trust atoms. They make up everything.


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