Religious Jokes

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My home church welcomes all denominations, but mainly they prefer tens and
twenties.

 

If absense makes the heart grow fonder, some people must really love church.

 

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah--he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

 

Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
Pharaoh's daughter--she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
little prophet.

 

What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
Ruth-less.

 

Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
Nebuchadnezzar--he was on grass for seven years.

 

What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

 

David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.

 

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson--he brought the house down.

 

Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel,
and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

 

What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked
out of the Garden of Eden?
They really raised Cain.

 

The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light
in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
They used floodlights.

 

Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
David--he rocked Goliath to sleep.

 

Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
The thought had never entered his head before.

 

What do they call pastors in Germany?
German Shepherds.

 

What is the best way to get to Paradise?
Turn right and go straight.

 

Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

 

Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
The area around the Jordan--the banks were always overflowing.

 

Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

 

What is the first recorded case of constipation in the Bible?
It's in Kings, where it says that David sat on the Throne for forty years.

 

Which bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun.

 

Why didn't Noah go fishing?
He only had two worms!

 

How do we know that they played cards in the ark?
Because Noah sat on the deck.

 

What did Jesus do when he walked into the Holiday Inn?"
He threw some nails down on the counter and said, "Can you put me up for the
night?"

 

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle
of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big
spoonful.

 

When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many
ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed out
a sample of it."

 

 

 

A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper
from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "FOOL."

 

The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written
letters and forgot to sign their name. But this week I received a letter
from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."

 

 

 

"Now, how many of you would like to go to heaven?" asked the Sunday school
teacher. All the eager three-year-olds raised their hands except Cassie.

 

"I'm sorry, I can't. My Mommy told me to come right home after Sunday
school."

 

 

 

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the
passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned
to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks, "Reverend,
you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"

 

To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."

 

 

 

The youth director had been trying for months to get the little boy down the
street to come to church to be with his third grade Sunday school class.
Finally after talking to the boy and his mother for what seemed to be the
hundredth time the boy finally agreed to go this next Sunday, which he did
and seemed to enjoy all of the proceedings except as the baptismal service
began he ran out the back door and ran all the way home.

 

His mother asked him why did he run home instead of riding with the youth
minister.

 

The little boy answered, "It's all a racket! They get you there and let you
make all those nice things and tell you great stories just to get you
relaxed so they can drown you at the end of one of the services!"

 

 

 

A young girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could
to Sunday school. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be
late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" at which moment she tripped
on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.

 

She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again, praying, "Dear
Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!
But don't SHOVE me."

 

 

 

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said
after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

 

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

 

"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has
been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

 

 

 

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way
to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

 

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

 

 

 

There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed
to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

 

After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking
gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys
Dunn."

 

And the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's
done too!"

 

 

 

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious
service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the
act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"
(..turn from your sin...)

 

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the
police and explained what she had done.

 

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did
you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."

 

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AX and two 38s!"

 

 

 

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question. "Boys and girls,
what do we know about God?"

 

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

 

"Really?! How do you know?" the teacher asked.

 

"You know - 'Our Father, who does art in Heaven. . ."

 

 

 

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him
the money now, will he let us go?"

 

 

 

A Sunday School teacher asked a little boy, "Bobby, do you believe in the
devil?"

 

"No," said the little boy. "He's just like Santa Claus. I think it's my
daddy."

 

 

 

A six year old boy was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at church
service: "And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive those who passed
trash against us."

 

 

 

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to
his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

 

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

 

"Well, I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be
more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen."

 

 

 

A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday
afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring back their letter the
following Sunday. One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at
church today. Wish you could have been there."

 

 

 

A minister was forced to stop by a traffic cop to pull over for speeding. As
the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, "Blessed
are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy."

 

The cop handed the minister the ticket and said, "Go thou and sin no more."

 

 

 

Dear God,

 

I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't
gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty,
selfish or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.

 

In a few minutes, though, I'm going to get out of bed. From then on I'm
probably going to need a LOT of help.

 

Amen.

 

 

 

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head
covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without
her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.

 

A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her
head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy
place without your wearing a blouse."

 

"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.

 

"Yes, I see that.... and your left one isn't bad either, but you still must
wear a blouse to enter this church!" he insists.

 

 

 

The preacher came to call on me the other day. He said that at my age I
should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him I do - all the time. No
matter where I am - in the parlor, upstairs in the kitchen, or down in the
basement - I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"

 

 

 

God: "Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating light and
darkness of Earth."

 

Angel: "What are you going to do now?"

 

God: "Call it a day."

 

 

 

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession
box and says nothing.

 

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man
says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final
attempt to get the man to speak.

 

Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knockin' man, there's no paper in this
one either."

 

 

 

A missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a
lion behind him. "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness
that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion."

 

And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion
praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "We thank Thee for the food which we are
about to receive."

 

 

 

A cardinal ran into the Pope's office and said, "Your Holiness, Jesus just
rode into the Vatican on a donkey. What do we do?"

 

The Pope looked up from his work and replied, "Look busy."

 

 

 

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm
going to give you some money."

 

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "But why?"

 

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

 

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