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Funny News Headlines From Real Newspaper and TV Reports:

  • Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
  • Weight Watchers Demonstrator Shoplifts Cupcakes
  • One-Armed Man Applauds The Kindness of Strangers
  • Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
  • Rally Against Apathy Draws Small Crowd
  • Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes On 210, Creates Jam
  • New Sick Policy Requires 2-Day Notice
  • Midget Sues Grocer, Cites Belittling Remarks
  • Slowdown Continues To Accelerate
  • Man Accused Of Killing Lawyer Receives A New Attorney
  • Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
  • Fish Needs Water, Feds Say
  • Guy Kidnaps Ex-Girlfriend To Get Ironing Done
  • Mortuary Adds Drive-Through
  • Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
  • Winners Of Drunk Driving Contest Announced
  • Authorities Pursue Man Running With Scissors
  • Cows Lose Their Jobs As Milk Prices Drop
  • Homeless Man Under House Arrest
  • Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  • Three Ambulances Take Blast Victim To Hospital
  • Ants Take A Long Time To Cook In Microwave
  • Mayor Parris To Homeless: Go Home
  • Author Of Book On How To Avoid Taxes On Trial For Tax Evasion
  • Once-Sagging Cloth Diaper Industry Saved By Full Dumps
  • Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons
  • Girl Claims Abuse: No Facebook and Phone
  • State Population To Double By 2040; Babies To Blame
  • Man Wants "Hell" Taken Out Of "Hello"
  • New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  • Meeting On Open Meetings Is Closed
  • Caskets Found As Workers Demolish Mausoleum
  • Local Child Wins Gun From Fundraiser
  • Hemorrhoids Inspire Respectful Hindsight
  • No Cause Of Death Determined For Beheading Victim
  • Utah Poison Control Reminds Not To Take Poison
  • Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  • Bugs Flying Around With Wings Are Flying Bugs
  • Students Cook & Serve Grandparents
  • Cat Called For Jury Duty
  • Florida Woman Calls 911 After McDonald's Runs Out Of McNuggets
  • Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  • Worker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Operator Drops 800-Pound Ball On His Head
  • Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  • Experts Are Sure The Dow Will Either Rise Or Decline
  • Homicide Victims Rarely Talk To Police
  • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  • Police Arrest Florida Man For Drunken Joyride On Motorized Scooter At Walmart
  • Threat Disrupts Plan To Meet About Threats
  • County To Pay $250,000 To Advertise Lack Of Funds
  • Meat Head Resigns
  • Teacher Dies; Board Accepts His Resignation
  • Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  • State Prisons Replace Easy-Open Locks
  • Alton Attorney Accidentally Sues Himself
  • Man Shot Twice In Head, Gets Mad!
  • Federal Openness Workshop Closed To Public
  • Woman Pukes At IKEA, Stays For Nap
  • Low Pay Reason For Poverty, Study Says
  • Man Eats Underwear To Beat Breathalyzer
  • Stabbing Disrupts Class For Anger Management
  • Drunk Driver Claims Dog Was Driving
  • Pigs Die As House Are Blown Down
  • Recall Me Maybe
  • Bridges Help People Cross Rivers
  • Psychics Predict World Didn't End Yesterday
  • Close Look At Dating Finds Men Choose Attractive Women
  • Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
  • Safety Meeting Ends In Accident
  • Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
  • City Wants Dead To Pay For Cleanup
  • Woman Attacks Man With Bowl of Spaghetti
  • Waterford Boy, Age 8, Saves Sister's Life - Youngster used Heimlich, which he learned from TV. Says "I wouldn't do it again, she's been a pain this week."
  • US Says Insect Parts, Rat Hair Are OK In Food
  • Murderer Says Detective Ruined His Reputation
  • Madonna Reads Her 2nd Book
  • Man Ate Stolen Ice Cream Sandwich He Kept In Pants
  • Volunteers Search For Old Civil War Planes
  • War Dims Hope for Peace
  • Kenya Believe It?
  • City Unsure Why The Sewer Smells
  • Most Earthquake Damage Is Caused By Shaking
  • Write-In Voting Gets Woman Shot At School Board
  • If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
  • Sewage Spill Kills Fish, But Water Safe To Drink
  • British People Prefer Facebook To Toilets
  • Court Rules That Being A Jerk Is Not A Crime

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