How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
And what kind of lettuce?
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.
What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
The hot dog vendor then gives him the dog and the buddhist gives him a $20.
Buddhist – Hey, where’s my change?
Vendor – Change must come from within.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
Because the chickens wasn't invented yet.
When you step in a poodle.
The cashier said, "That'll be $1.49"
and the duck said "Put it on my bill".
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir," came the reply, "it's fresh ground."
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.
Both are dragging their right foot as the walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other, knowingly points at his foot and says,
The other hooks his thumb behind him says,
"Dog poop, 20 feet back."
One day there were three people. Their names were Manners, Trouble and Shut up. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so he went to the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when he met a policeman. The policeman said, "What is your name?" "Shut up!" The policeman replied, "Are you looking for trouble?" "Yes!" The policeman fumed, "Where are your manners?" "In the toilet."
When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous Realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing. The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people." I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?"
A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age. Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. "You kids don't know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn't afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light."
Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.
What is the definition of an engineer?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.
Because the doctor wanted to get a stool sample.
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any
help?" she asked."No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need.""Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.
What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
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