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How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
And what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg. 

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the Fresh Prints.

Where does the one-legged waitress work?
IHOP

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything. 
The hot dog vendor then gives him the dog and the buddhist gives him a $20.
Buddhist – Hey, where’s my change?
Vendor – Change must come from within.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese. 
 
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chickens wasn't invented yet.
 
Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
 
How do you now when its raining cats and dogs?
When you step in a poodle.
 
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick
 
A duck walked into a drugstore and asked for a tube of ChapStick.
The cashier said, "That'll be $1.49"
and the duck said "Put it on my bill".
 
I read a book on helium once. I couldn't put it down!
 
A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says "Nothin' special... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die."
 
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
 
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
 
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
 
A politician is one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
 
The very first doctor of dermatology had to start from scratch.
 
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
 
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
 
What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers?
A wedding.

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir," came the reply, "it's fresh ground."

One day there were three people. Their names were Manners, Trouble and Shut up. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so he went to the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when he met a policeman. The policeman said, "What is your name?" "Shut up!"  The policeman replied, "Are you looking for trouble?" "Yes!"  The policeman fumed, "Where are your manners?" "In the toilet."

When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous Realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing. The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people." I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?"

A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.  Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. "You kids don't know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn't afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light."

Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.

What is the definition of an engineer?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any
help?" she asked."No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need.""Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.

What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.



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