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Chanukah "To Do" List:
Make candles for menorah.
Make gelt with antique candy molds and gold leaf.
Pick apples from orchard and make applesauce for latkes.
Carve dreidels out of pine trees in front yard.
Decorate table with individual braided challah.
Make gifts: Rinse a Manischevitz bottle and remove lable.....
Aren't you glad Martha Stewart isn't Jewish?
Make gelt with antique candy molds and gold leaf.
Pick apples from orchard and make applesauce for latkes.
Carve dreidels out of pine trees in front yard.
Decorate table with individual braided challah.
Make gifts: Rinse a Manischevitz bottle and remove lable.....
Aren't you glad Martha Stewart isn't Jewish?
What does a Jewish American Princess make for dinner?
What does a Jewish American Princess make for dinner? Reservations.
A guy walks into a bar, and there's a ho...
A guy walks into a bar, and theres a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is staring at the horse, when the horse says, "Hey buddy? What are you staring at? Havent you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"
The guy says, "No, its not that... its just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
The guy says, "No, its not that... its just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
Lost Fingers
A man working at a lumberyard is pushing a tree through a saw when he accidentally shears off all then of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency romm of a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor takes a look and says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do.""I haven't got the fingers." The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? This is the age of medical advances. We've got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn't you bring me the fingers?""Well, heck, doctor. I tried, but I couldn't pick 'em up!"
DEFINITIONS FOR ADULTS
MARRIAGE: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master's.
BOSS: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
POLITICIAN: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
OFFICE: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
YAWN: Also, the only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
ETC: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
COMMITTEE: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
CLASSIC: A book which people praise, but do not read.
WORRY: Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
EXPERIENCE: The name men give to their mistakes.
TEARS: The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
ATOM BOMB: An invention to end all inventions.
PHILOSOPHER: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
OPTIMIST: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
PESSIMIST: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY .
MISER: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
FATHER: A banker provided by nature.
CRIMINAL: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
RUMOR: News that travels at the speed of sound.
DICTIONARY: The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
COLLEGE: A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
ECSTASY: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
BOSS: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
POLITICIAN: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
OFFICE: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
YAWN: Also, the only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
ETC: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
COMMITTEE: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
CLASSIC: A book which people praise, but do not read.
WORRY: Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
EXPERIENCE: The name men give to their mistakes.
TEARS: The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
ATOM BOMB: An invention to end all inventions.
PHILOSOPHER: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
OPTIMIST: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
PESSIMIST: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY .
MISER: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
FATHER: A banker provided by nature.
CRIMINAL: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
RUMOR: News that travels at the speed of sound.
DICTIONARY: The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
COLLEGE: A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
ECSTASY: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
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