drive myself mad
i do this all the time, unable to turn around this feeling inside my head that somethings going to go wrong. and that its going to be my fault. or his. but im just so scared. always anxious. thinking. about him. and wishing i could just be thinking about happy stuff or other stuff...just not all this bad stuff. why? why? why? why? why do i do what i do? what do i have to be told, how do i have to be held, touched, to know that "everything's ok"? i want that feeling, but i feel so terrible at the mean and annoying ways i try to get that feeling. asking questions...making faces. feeling low. i feel terrible and want to make it all up to him. he has done wrong but i know that this larger hump in our feelings, is all me. i have to make him feel at ease. i have to let him know that i AM happy, that this IS what i want. i can do it...i just know ive messed up again yesterday. texted too long, wrote an email. immed. i shouldve just
shut my mouth. closed my laptop. not written
to him. but i couldnt. i had to hear from him. and then i let it make me feel worse. all because he didnt call me "baby". and why is that important? and why on earth does that make me cry?? i have to stop treating him this way. i will. i just hope he sticks around after yesterday and all the dumb crap i said like a desperate fool.
Want to be forgiven...
I've known my husband for almost 6 years now (dating and marriage together). This year will be our 4th wedding anniversary. Up until two years ago, our whole relationship was long distance (even the first two years of our marriage). When we started living together, things changed. In the begining, we'd had lots of ups and downs...lots of talk of divorce, or more so him telling me to leave because he wanted to go back to live with his family after his father passed away. I knew he was trying to push me away. I'd hear on an almost daily basis that he wanted me out, that if I wasn't in his life he wouldn't have to worry about "what to do" that he'd up and leave with no worries...This was a daily trend. At first I thought it may have to do with the stress of him being laid off, but even when he did find employment it didn't help. He has 4 sisters...and he loves them very very much...and everytime we got into an
argument, I always told him that "how would you
feel if some guy told your sister the same thing"?
So..., when we were at the peak of one of our arguments, it was pretty severe (just words but they can cut like a knife too) I seeked God and I just begged, I begged from the depths of my soul that the only single sister that he has to get married and that her husband treats her the same way mine treated me...but our good times and our bad no more no less, so that he can see, realize how much he'd hurt me. I begged God because I didn't and don't want to leave him. I love him and know that we can have a good life together, if he can get passed his depression and realize that his father's passing didn't have to do with him (he had a tumor) but he feels alot of guilt for not being there and everyday our life is just building upon a thread. And so I prayed for his sister...Less than a couple of weeks later we received word that she's met someone, less than a couple of months later she was engaged and this March they were married and now she's pregnant and complaining to her brother talking about possibly
a divorce and lot of their issues are the almost the same as ours...he's quiet at home, wants to be with his friends, wants her to leave so he can be with his family...the only difference is that she's pregnant and almost has no choice be to stay at least for the child...and now I feel really guilty...I didn't mean for this to happen. I never prayed for this...And the worst is yesterday, I told my husband that maybe it's Karma...maybe you're now seeing how you treated me and he was hurt...and I'm ashamed that I even said it especially in her situation...
I don't know what to do except pray that things get better for her that it's just the first two months and their marriage will be strong, but I don't know. I prayed alot of things that night...I was having problems with my own family too...because of little dumb things that they all pick on me for and use as solid excuses not to speak to me...so I prayed that each and everyone in my own family experiences what I did that each of my sisters and my brother (when they do get married one day) to experience how horrible they made me feel...And above all at the time I seeked God and prayed never to be able to get pregnant...and then later I prayed that if we're meant to be together (not get divorced) that I get pregnant, but if not then no matter how much we try I don't...And now we've tried for a few months last summer with no results...I don't know if that's God answering my prayers saying that we're not going to be together...or just answering the first part I did in anger and never letting me get
regardless...I feel that I've used God and my prayers for all the wrong reasons. I was heart broken and let my emotions get the better of me and I prayed and wished for some things that I shouldn't have and I don't know how to take it back and how I'm going to pay for all of this in the near future....I just want to be forgiven and I want to not be so cold...I don't know how to change all that i've done...I want to un-do all this...everyting and I don't know how...
i hate my family, they manipulate me and order me around. im pretty much their own personal slave. one day ill escape from here and leave this messed up world behind!!!! i wont be dead and cold anymore. who knows, maybe im capable of feeling anything other than sadness and anger.
I'm converting to Judaism but I just can't stop eating pork!
She voted for Huckabee
I broke up with her because she voted for Huckabee. I used the typical lies about needing space, being at different places in our lives, blah blah blah. But the actual reason is because she voted for Huckabee, and nothing else.
i told my mom i hated her
I told my mom i hated her, i didn't mean it. I pushed her into a wall, I didn't mean it. I broke her $3000 clock from germany, I didn't mean it. Now I'm lost, lost in this cold world and confused. Sorry mom, I wish you knew, I do love you, with all of my heart.
I never really knew why I liked you. At first I thought it was just because you had large brown eyes that always seemed to drawn me in. And I thought it might just be because you were the only guy who talked to me when nobody liked me because they thought I was ugly. That was almost four years ago. Now I'm sitting here without those glasses and gap-filled teeth and bushy eyebrows and even though I've changed and a lot of people find me beautiful, you haven't really. You still like the same girl you did three years ago, and yet again I can't compare. I don't see what you see in her, with her wide but flat butt, flat chest, and large nose. But whatever it is, I know you don't see it in me. I want to just give up on you. But it's not happening. Somehow, I still love you.
dead best friend
my best friend died a couple of years ago and i feel sad all the time now. What do you guys and girls out there think i should im only 11 years old he got cancer in first grade and died in third he wasnt able to go to school and he wasnt able to see us very often either i really miss him and on top of that i never got the chance to tell him i love him he was always there for me and my friends and he would always help us if we needed it i just miss him so much
I don't love him and he loves me, im only with him cos i dont wanna be on my own... im kinda ashamed of him and in 3 weeks i stupidly suggested he meets my dad... when im not with him i forget why hes my boyfriend.. i dont wanna hurt him... im scared and i cant talk to anyone..i really dont wanna hurt him
Seeing 2 guys
I was with someone for a long time, but I was fairly young and wasn't ready to settle down. This guy who I always talked to and flirted with - well, we talked more and more and I fell in love with him; however, he had no direction, no motivation and was unempathetic at times. I couldn't stay away from him though, because I truly loved him. I wanted to marry him. If he could only get his stuff together and think about someone besides himself...but he didn't.
I moved in with him anyway, and he found out about the other guy. Needless to say - his heart was broken and I became the devil to him. I know what I did was totally selfish. I miss this man so much and if he had just said - let's get married....we can struggle...and have our hard times but let's do it together...I would have been with him solely. Or if he just made some committment to himself with his future. I would have given myself completely. But I didn't, so I hung on to the other guy. I miss him so much, and I hate him for not getting his stuff together. I hate him because I know he loves me and cares for me...but it was never enough for him to get his butt in gear. Now, I told someone about my future plans with the other guy- just so he would hear, and just so he could be hurt.
I'm torn between my loving my best friend. I'm currently single and like me, my best friend is single too. We both love being single and enjoy each other's company. we spend practically every day together for the past year. Recently, because of work, school. we havent been able to spend so much time together. and being a guy, i refused to call her or sms her when i feel lonely and need her company. She's probably the one one who really understands me in this whole wide world. She's totally wrong for me right. i'm truly not good enough for her. she's gorgeous, cute and lots of fun to be with.
i need to detach myself from her. i want to be best friends again without all these feelings. i need to get rid of my emotional attachment to her. i really hope that i dont have to feel like this for long. it's like loving something u can never have.
I'm sorry God
I'm mad at You. I need Your help, and I feel like You're ignoring me. I'm so angry, but I still love You. I know I have not right to demand anything of You, Lord. But I'm so helpless right now. I feel that only You can save me, and I'm angry that things aren't changing. I know You work in Your own way, but I am impatient and unwilling to wait. Please help me to trust in You and stop being angry.
I just finished my first year in college. I think I have a crush on my best friend. One of my friends asked if i liked him. I lied. I didn't want it to be awkward. I cant stop thinking about him.
I have no friends
I have no friends and I'm going to college
I am addicted to picking up girls. Currently I have a girl who I am with but who doesn't want to be with me officially because it will never work out because I have kids and she is of an ethnic background that values marrying people free of baggage (maybe a little more than other ethnic backgrounds). Anyways I love her very much but cannot tell her becaue that would make this real. So instead I protect myself by keeping a steady supply of women at my beck and call by picking up girls off of the street, on subways at coffee shops and generally anywhere where ti is possible to pick up women. It makes me sad that i feel I have to do this but I don't know what else to do right now (other than the obvious stating of the truth) but that would be too easy right?
Taylor, we drove by your house yesterday. Your garuage door was wide open and your car was in the drive way.
I don't care that we've we're engaged. You think just cause I said yes that that's it? That now you don't need to 'try' anymore because you're already got me? Don't try to keep me, and I'll find another who will.