I'm thinking of
I'm thinking of taking a break from school and moving 2 hours away for a boy. I know that if I move there we'll hook up 'cuz the only thing that's stopping us from being together is the distance. I like him a whole lot and we really do connect on certain levels, but I also know that he's not THE ONE, and I can't see us being together in the long run. But I just kind of want to have fun for now, not worry about school for awhile, and be a crazy 20 year old while I still can.
i feel worthless,
i feel worthless, i feel like my life is worthless, and the saddest part is that i couldn't care less. i hear about death, disease, starvation, the death of someone i know, but i couldn't care less. i've moved over 10 times, but each time i have to switch places and friends i just ignore my previous friends like they don't exist, and they might as well not exist because i don't care about them anymore.
All i can do to make this emptiness and disappointment in myself go away is hang out with my friends, play video games, watch TV, read a book, etc. i enjoy myself while i'm doing these things, but when they end and i am left alone, i feel emptiness again, almost as though nothing happened. this is the reason i feel worthlessness. not because i have done something wrong, but because i have done nothing at all.
i try to make myself feel like my life has value. i work out, go to class, volunteer, and countless other things, but i still feel like it all means nothing. part of the problem is dreams. i dream of what i want to be, but dreams don't mean anything. dreams are worthless if they can't be fulfilled, and perhaps i expect too much out of myself. perhaps i expect my life to be greater than it really could be at this age (20), but i feel like it should be more than this boredom.
i would like to give my life value so i can feel like i am accomplishing something, but i don't know what there is that is worth doing. i look around; i talk to people; i hate them for doing more than me. for being so stupid and doing more than me. but most of all, i hate them for not being like me; for not realizing how little their lives mean. but i guess it's selfish to want people as miserable as me just so i feel less alone.
in the end, all i have is misery. all i have are comforts that are momentary. people talk about americans living for instant gratification, but that isn't what i live for. i live for instant amnesia. for moments of happiness that make me forget just how miserable i was and will be once i am alone again.
i have so
i have so much anger, but i don't know towards what. when people do stupid things it annoys me. even tho those stupid things are something that is totally normal. i am at war with myself constantly.
i really fancy a chick but am too afraid to let it show, for i am afriad that our friendship will dull.
i want a relationship, but can't accept one for if i do i am afraid i will miss out my chance with the chick.
procrastination is my
procrastination is my worst vice - i have so much to do but i never do it - i simply do everything else but schoolwork - i judge people a lot and i feel like i am right ninety percent of the time - people who disagree with me are stupid
Last week I
Last week I got shafted. I called up this girl I liked (who apparently seemed somewhat interested) and asked her to have dinner with me during the week. I call her the nite before to confirm and she seemed excited. So the following evening, I call to pick her up. She answers and says "oh, im sorry. I forgot...I already ate. But, we should hang out another time." What The Heck? Then I see her the next week while i'm working and she's acting super nice like nothing happened (she must think she did nothing wrong). What a chicken-head.
i get by
i get by in school without doing most of the reading. what does that say about our wonderful school system?
i'm not that
i'm not that close to any of my friends anymore. it gets pretty lonely sometimes.
i had a
i had a falling out with my best friend in high school. we had a nasty fight about how extremely selfish and mean she can be and what not. we didn't speak again til the first or second year in college, but of course that reminded me why we stopped being friends. we haven't spoken since. i know she reads my away msgs and other things using someone else's sn. i read her online journals from time to time just to see what she's up to. we were the best of friends, but seriously, that's over now. why do we still check up on each other like that? is it because we still care or we're just curious to know what's up?
I think i
I think i need to see a shrhink becuz im obsessed over my ex. if im not thinking about fake scenarios where he comes back to me, then im having real dreams about it. i turn the dumbest details into signs that he still loves me but its all just a stupid illusion. im turning crazier more by the day
ive been stealing
ive been stealing all my life. i dont need to but i do it to have money to drink. sometimes to buy stuff for girlfriends.
ive been involved
ive been involved in many illegal activities whithout anyone knowing.
I never got
I never got closure from a girl and its beginning to bug because I get mad when I see her with other guys. I don't talk to her anymore but I see her almost everyday walking by the student center. She doesn't bother to say hi nor do I, I still like her but it seems as though she has moved on. It seems as though she fooled me. Was I fooled by the antics of sorority girls? What do I do now? I read her away messages daily and she has petty love notes to other guys. God, what the hell
It's so lonely
It's so lonely in this world, especially when you're fat. Tell me, would being thin make me a better person? No, it would not! But this society makes it difficult for someone who does not look like the girl on the cover of a magazine to live a normal life. I confess that I wish I were thin :(
i fell in
i fell in love with a girl 3 years ago, but was never able to tell her, now to this day i sit here with regret
during my freshmen
during my freshmen year in the dorms i snuck into my suite mates room and put Nair in her shampoo.
i think i
i think i loved this boy...ive known him and liked him for a long time...we tried the dating thing in the past and it didn't work...but this time...we both said we really wanted it to work...and it did for a while...at least id like to think it did...i was delieriously happy...more so than ever before...but he decided to break things off because i was distracting him from getting his life together...so once again he walked out of my life...i don't know if i was ever given the chance again if i would be with him again...i love him but i hate being left...
he's my first
he's my first boyfriend and we've been together for three years. i left to study abroad for a few months and while in rome i met a guy at a club. we danced like i didn't have a boyfriend and he slowly leaned in and kissed me. i kissed back. i knew it was wrong, but at the same time i really wanted to have that experience. i've never kissed anyone else, so curiosity got the best of me. i could have prevented it, but deep down inside i didn't want to so i let it happen. i knew i should have told the guy i had a bf, but i didn't because i didn't want him to stop dancing with me. so after a while it led to kissing. i pulled away though because i felt bad, but then later he kissed me again. i felt really guilty for enjoying it. i never got to say goodbye to that guy in rome that night, so i looked him up on his school directory and emailed him just to let him know i had a good time and to say goodbye. i wasn't even sure if that was his
email. i only knew his first name and the school he goes to. i never got a response, but that doesn't matter because i just needed the closure. i still think about him now that i'm back from time to time. it's a great memory and i'm glad i got it out of my system.
i decided not to tell my boyfriend because i know it'd crush him. it's a special memory of my time abroad that i keep for myself. i don't regret my decision of not telling him the truth. there's no point spoiling our relationship over my mistake. i'll never see that guy again and i know it'll never happen again. it was just something about that particular guy, being in rome, and kissing someone for the first time that wasn't my bf. i do feel reallly bad sometimes when he jokingly asks if i met anyone while i was away. i hate having to lie to him.
i just separated
i just separated with this guy, and my parents keep thinking that i'm crying over him because my eyes are always puffy and red. They don't know that I"m bulimic and constantly throwing up causes me to look like that. I'd rather him think that way than suspect that i'm doing such harm to my body.