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When i was young i spat on a war memorial. I didn't really understand what it was, but i can just imagine what people who saw me must have thought.

I need 2 start living

Alright so basically high school is pretty much a drag. Everyone follows horrible cliches and im tired of it. But, that really isnt my problem since im the socially acceptable type... its just that ive been working my ass off to get into the college of my choice. This has resulted in me not living life at all. Its all about getting into college far away from my mother and her problems which have always been mine like paying bills. Im tired of having to worry over how were gonna pay for dinner or having to act like a perfect stupid little daughter. Yes i did it all for her... i knew god forbid had i made a mistake in my high school years my mother would have had a nervouse breakdown. Its all because he (my bro) has given her hell for years. (high school drop out, jail, drugs, jobless, living off of her) She has reason to move on because of me... i give her strength in that she knows that im doing well in school and therefor she must keep the home in order. So, i had to restrain my otherwise wild behavior ALL 4 HER! Its often led my friends to beleive me to be some boring ass girl but i know other ways and even my mom has noticed what i really am like at times. But, never the less the result of all of this is that ive pretty much never had a date before. I know im not the only one but, it frustrates me to think that it is january of my senior year and i have never been kissed by a guy. Pretty goddamn pathetic if i do say so myself. Yet i have to look at myself realistically that im not beautiful like my friends. And this is really awful to say and i am sorry for it but, i cant help but feel annoyed that the only guys i have attracted are not pleasing to the eyes (i admit i have shallowness but, its not extreme) or mentally unstable. (right now a friend of mine just confessed he likes me... 4 days after he tried to commit suicide) My logic is pretty messed up when it comes to relationships because my mother and father have had the most ugliest relationship i had ever seen. They make me fear me commitment because although they were never married i have seen 2 much ugliness in their relationship 2 see the benefit of a relationship at all. And because my mother still wants my dad even though he left us a long time ago it makes me fear rejection the way she was rejected by my father. I do not want that. Hence ive developed a distrust of guys in general. I feel they are only nice to the pretty girls and there is truth in this that cannot be denied. So basically i wanna start loving life...going to college away from the problems i have now. Hell i just wanna get good grades and get a boyfriend... it sounds pretty messed up but, i do fear the idea of a relationship because i fear rejection.

my mom and i

My mother and i have always been best friends attached to the hip sence i was a baby.. forever.. when i was a teen she started to control me and become too much overprotected of me..she wouldn't let me do anything, i had to tell her my every move, who i was with, where i was going ect, it was really bad.To a point, i started to act rebelous and acting out. Our relationship broke, we fought all the time, never got along, screamed , cryed.. i hated her.Though shes my mother and i know she was only trying to help me and bring me up the right way, she drove me away. My friends all think she's crazy, and too overprotective as well. I thought things were bad until one day at my graduation, MY grad .. you know the celebration of ME completely high school, it should be about me.. she was there with me at the ceromony and after it was over i had to go return my graduation gown..and i came back with my normal clothes on.. and she came over and was holding flowers with a horrid look on her face and said to me in from of my friends and boyfriend and classmates (and dad which i do not live with,my parents are split up) 'you ungratful brat! you couldn't even keep on your gown so i could take pictures' !? then threw the flowers at me.... i started to cry and she ruinied my day. The issue with that is that i don't know whether to be mad or sad, it was my day and i had to take back the gown but i feel bad because she did not get one picture of me or with her in my gown.. secret : i could have left on the gown if i wanted to .. but i didn't because i knew it would make her mad.. but she ruined my day. That night, me and friends were going to a party to celebrate grad and stopped by my house for a min to get our stuff... my mom came down in front of all my friends and started pushing my friends out of the house literally and yelling and screaming and crying threw boxs of beer down the stairs breaking all of our liquor scaring the hell out of our friends.. i felt humilited and embarrased and so pissed off.. and to make it worse she called the cops saying we were drinking and driving when she knew that no one had opened any of that liqour yet.. the police came trying to find us but we all parked in someone's house and layed low.. i cant belive she called the police to piss us off .. the next day me and my brother moved out to my dad's house without telling her, she came home from work to find our bedrooms empty..i feel bad and to this day i am still living at my dads and she makes me feel hoeeible about it and say that we are horrible children and she was only being a good mother to She..he has hurt me emotionally so many times, she has gotten physical with me as well. I dont\\\'t know to this day if i was right or if she was ? what do you think ?

I am such an idiot

I was caught shoplifting snacks from a grocery store, so I could bring them to work. I was so embarassed, but lately I have been stealing a lot and I felt really bad about the whole thing. I am not going to do it anymore, I am completely done and going to be more honest about things.

Marry for love or cute kids

I am still in love with my ex boyfriend. We were together more than 5 years. He treated me well and made me happy. I love his personality, but he is not very attractive. I'm seeing someone now who is quite handsome, I like him but the relationship is lukewarm. He's sort of boring and a little on the weird side and I'm afraid our kids might me weird but cute. This is just stupid!


today i saw a poor lady pick up a penny in the mall. my friend said he would give me a dollar if i went up to her and asked for it back. i did it and didn't feel right

Cry now

i NEVER SPEND TIME WITH MY DAD AND NOW I'M REGRETTING IT :{ BUT IF I COULD i WUD GO BACK IN TIME IN DO IT. I always start getting sad if i dont spend enugh time with anyone now. I hate the way some peple are always shouting out random stuff thats not even funny. Like in scwl u re sittin there and a cool person shouts out something that's not even funny at all but other people just laugh. I never fit in with anyone I do have friends but other people are into music like rock but im into hip hop and rap. I am quite shy and never relly say much i am so depressed why??? :[

His friend...

My marriage is bad. I got married because I had his baby and didn't want to do it all by myself. Then I got to spend more time with his friend Steve and I finally had someone make me really feel wanted... he spends time with me, making me laugh... interacts with me... he doesn't ignore me for his damn computer. Yeah, been married a whole two months and I've cheated on him twice. Do I feel bad? Yes. I do. And I want out of my marriage... but I don't want out of it because of someone that might consider me disposable. And I'm pretty sure his friend does. SO. Do I stay or do I go?

My boss's son

I am totally in love with my boss's son, who works with me. He's so funny and formal, but he also has a rocking sense of humor and he's incredibly smart. He's the only employee at the job who tests higher than I do. Also, he's tall and incredibly skinny, which is kind of my thing. Of course, it can never be, but...*sigh* I don't think my husband would approve, although I've been in love with my boss's son since before I was married.

hug hater

i hate hugs from guys. they make me feel uncomftorable and i dont feel any emotional need to hug. i love hugs from girls though, they make me really happy (no not in a creepy way)

Please call me, although I'll never tell you

Well, I'm the worlds biggest dufus. Seriously. I was with someone years ago for 6 months and I finished it because I was more interested in my ex. We became friends instead. I went out with someone else for 2 years. When I finished with him I realised the 6 month guy was the one I wanted all along. I told him I was thinking about him and he turned me down. Gutted was not even close. But we still stayed friends and talked on the phone every month or so. I went into another relationship, and for a while I loved him but it all went wrong and he was a jerk and after four years it's over. And now I know. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to have another relationship for it all to go wrong. I want 6 month guy. I had him and I threw it away. I can't tell him again, if he doesn't want me it'll ruin our friendship for good. I haven't heard from him in 2 months and right now I want to speak to him. Won't tell him anything but god this hurts. So so so so much. So, Matthew H., on the incredibly slim off chance you read this and feel the same as I do, please don't let me go the rest of my life regretting the day I let you go. (on the other hand, if you don't, say nothing. A girl has her pride you know)

denied depression

I'm depressed but nobody knows. I've made one psychiatrist ,one neuroligist, and one endocrinologist all think thank i'm perfectly okay and healthy both physically an mentally. i want my family to be what it was like before the split. i want to know i have one place i can call home, now i have two homes but no place that feels like home, i feel like a drifting bum. i want to be a normal kid with normal parents and i wanted to finish highschool not have to test out because of all the stress. i want my grandfather back, he was the one person i could talk to on a deep level, he was more my father than my biological dad ever will be. i try to have deep talks with my friends but they're all immature and stupid and have zero life experience. why am i the nly one of my friends who has so much stuff going on in life? none of them have had to deal with a death. none of them have had to deal with divorce. they all do great in school and get to bed before 10 pm, i havent slept longer than 4 hours for a year since my grandfather died. i want my life to be normal, i dont want to be depressed anymore. i havent been happy for months.

I love her

I fell in love with a girl when I was in 6th grade. I am currently in 12th grade and I still am in love with her. I know she knows, but she... doesn't.... care? It kills me to come to the reality that I will never be able to have a mutual love with her. I love her so much but she doesn't care. She doesn't care. It kills me. :[


I'm in high school and so lost cause I'm kinda in love with a guy in my class that looks at me all the time but maybe he is not looking at me all the time but at the girl next to me so I'm really confused. yeah I dont know anything about him he just looks really nice inteligent and cute so I kinda love him and think he's perfect... but oh well i really want to forget him but i cant... right now I just wrote a really confusing message for all the world and I dont even understand what exactly i wrote but i just had to get it alt !! yay

Life just seems so unfair.

It seems like so many other people get things handed to them while I have to struggle for everything. Whenever I have a plan, things do not work out the way I planned. When I think that people are going to be there for me, they actually end up turning on me.

to K of VA

I get it that you want my husband but why do you need to tell him? Ever heard of a fantasy? They aren't real...you just think about it. I am sorry if your marriage is so bad but you know, I have a good marriage. Why would you want to try and destroy it? You have an amazing husband that loves you and a child with him. Have some decency, would you? You have now destroyed a 12 year friendship and please stop calling. I don't want to hear your apologies. They mean nothing to me. You were stupid to tell people because now you just look like an idiot. I am dying to know what your husband thinks of all this? I am guessing you didn't tell him the truth. It's a good thing that I am as nice a person as I am because some women would attack where it hurts. Just please leave us alone.

Thanks for Reminding me

Thanks Mom, for reminding me every single day for the past 23 years, that I was a mistake. That you never wanted me and I ruined your life. Thanks for treating my younger brother better. I ruined your life, but he didnt, you wanted him. It's a good thing I'm a daddy's girl...it's a good thing my father always told me i was wanted. Thanks for making me realize i never want to have my own kids, for fear of making them feel like you made me feel. I still love you mumma, but i'm done trying to get you to love me

Tears of Blood

I loved her... and because her parents thought I was too 'dangerous' I'm no longer allowed to see her... by law... and it... it HURT. And I kept her from being an anorexic... I kept her healthy! And I feel like a failure... I'm worthless... because I decided to try and move on... and I think that only hurts more... because my new girl... she... I think she's cheating on me... I think she's called me clingy... I fear I am worthless... I fear I am too clingy... I fear I'm too jealous... and it makes it worse because... I found my first love's new SN... but if I IMed her... I would be sent to jail... I'm... I'm broken....