it's like someone told me
for as long as I can remember I have known i will die before I am 30. I just turned 20 years old a few days ago and on the day of my birthday i was drilling with my National Guard unit. That same day they told me I will be going to Iraq. Not that I want to die, but I think I will never see the united states of america again after I leave on deployment.
that said, i have started writing letters to everyone that is important to me in my life. maybe that is naive of me.
Love a different woman
I'm married, but I love someone from my high school days. We were good friends, but then got pissed off at each other and didn't talk for years. After we both got married, we got back in touch and we're good friends again, but I seriously regret the years we were apart. We lived in different cities in high school (about 4 hours apart), so we never had a romantic relationship, but I really do love her, and always have. I also love my wife though, so I can't endanger my marriage with a relationship, and I'm not even sure she feels the same way. *sigh* Sometimes life can be cruel.
What's wrong with me?
i always seem to be attracted to people i really shouldn't go after. most often someone a friend likes as well or worse, someone an ex might have known. i'm not stupid, it's blatantly obvious that the reason i'm doing this is because i know i shouldn't. it's not that i don't have feelings for these people, i just think they get exaggerated because of the heightened risk in the situation. i just spent the night with someone that would probably ruin my friendship with both a friend and an ex. i know i feel terrible today, but sooner or later that will fade and i'm afraid i'm going to do it again. i wish i knew how to stop myself or why i do the things i do. this pattern shows up in all parts of my life in one form or another. i seem to always be deceiving, and in the end hurting the ones i love. i wonder how many people around me i will have to lose before i learn from my mistakes.
Is love that hard to find?
I am 27 yrs old and unfortunately for me I never had a boyfriend in my life. I am pressured by time, my family and friends and I don't know what to say to them. I really hope and pray that God has plans for me and I hope i'm not destined to die without experiencing romantic love. I have been in love a few times but the love is never reciprocated. I have fallen in love with a co-worker and I felt he somehow has feelings for me too. He teases me alot, I sometimes caught him looking at me through a tiny window at the office. He always make sure we had breakfast at the same time. but it never developed into something until I left the company. I really doubted myself if my assumption was right about him having feelings for me. He never pursued me and I came to believe that everything has no meaning at all, the stares, the touches, the laughs...I felt I was never worthy of him, I can't measure up to his standards and this made me
afraid of not having to be loved or find love again..in
my heart I still hope for love and I hope it won't be too late for me...
A Letter From Sasha
Xander, I am writing you a letter out of sincere concern for the fact that you are driving me crazy. I love you very much, and have tried and hopefully succeeded in many ways to pledge and abide by that love. I have gone out of my way helplessly to increase and maintain my love and respect for you. I know I have made mistakes in this relationship, and I hearbye admit that those mistakes where mine and mine alone. I have a selfish side that can come out and also my moods differ greatly depending on stress.
I really love you Xander. I remember when I waited anxiously all day thinking of nothing else but getting a phone call from you. You where my everything and I was willing to travel to the ends of the earth and back just to see you. But Xander, you have screwed up royally. I can't even begin to find the words to describe how messy our lives together have gotten. And in reality most people dealing with this type of stuff are like, almost ten years older than me.
Look, a lot of it has to do with hypocritical stuff you pulled. Random stupidness that was selfish and stingy that's the stuff that I can eventually grow to forgive. But there were other things. Things that weren't just superficial. Or maybe; One thing in particular. You told me you were in love with another person, for almost a whole two years.
You claim that your reason for doing this was a complete class act of revenge upon my infidelity. Well, if this is true you probably wanted me to manifest negative emotions.
Possibly the same way you yourself may have been feeling should this be true. Fear, Jealousy, Sadness, Envy, Regret, The list goes on and on. But in my greatest honesty I felt no such thing. Yes sadness came much later to date. But first I did what I seem to do best in this world. I sat. Yes, I did a lot of thinking. After I sat, and while I sat. I both sat, and thought for a very, very long time.
Most of your average juvenile teens around here would have probably looked about this the wrong way. They would develop some strange way of hating this other girl who stole what was supposed to be the only thing that's theirs, and theirs alone. Their boyfriend. They proably would have sat for a while yes. Then gotten all jealous and done something stupid.
I'd like to think that after all the things I been through I have a more peaceful resolve.
You see, I strongly believe that the heart has a mind of its own. Sometimes it may even makes decisions for us. And when you cry to the heart it does listen, sometimes with a capacity far greater than the human mind. And while sitting and thinking I also listened to my heart. I didn't ask myself what does she have that I don't" or "why does he love her more than me" In fact the question itself had no why nor what involved. It was simply: Does she make him happy.
My answer to this question
I'm black, but I'm totally and only attracted to guys of other races. I feel horrible about not being attracted to my own kind but I can't help it. Maybe its just an attraction to something different...Maybe even exciting. I hope it passes over. I feel like a traitor.
turning 22 means nothing when you can't spend it with the one you truly love...
do i try to get her back?
i'm a student at FSU and i left my hometown and girlfriend of 13 months the day before our 13 month anniversary in august of 2007. I was doing fine at school for about a month when my best friend came into town from home and stayed with me for a week. I could tell there was something wrong with him but he said everything was okay. I found out the next week from my girlfriend that she and him had made out two weeks after i had left for college and that their thing" had lasted only the two weeks up until he came up to see me.
Needless to say i was pissed
tuna in the air
I am leaving my job in about a month due to a terminal illness. So Yes, I guess I am loosing it - but its fun. About three weeks ago I started bringing in cans of tuna. I open them up and place them when no one is around on top of the highest things in the office. The place is really beginng to reek and the oldest cans don't even smell like fish anymore. They have evolved into a newer stranger funk. And my office gets crowded and you can sense the frustration and accusations going back and forth about the source. My only addition to the coffee break conversation is that i hope its not toxic, from the construction of the building. Everyones freaking out. I am dying but laughing on my way out. Just a few more things on the to do list. My advice to everyone...stop being so serious about everything...its only life afterall.
I hate my mother-in-law, I stole her son
I hate my mother-in-law. She has always been nasty to me because she tried so hard to make her son needy of her and I took him away and he is growing into a real man. She has always been needy and afraid to be alone and I am sure she purposly didn't teach him the right skills to be out on his own like parents are supposed to. To her I am the other woman. I hate you for what you did to my husband handicapping and making it hard for him to learn how to be self suffecient.
My husband confessed to me that our marriage was a farse. I know we got married so i could easily get a visa into his country to work and live but now i regret it because i can see he doesn't really love me. He's never bought me a ring or even a Valentines card and he told me it was an indication of how he feels. What the hell does that mean? Why do I let myself be treated this way? Help
from perfect mom to annoying mom
All my life my father has given me, my mom and brother problems and my mom went through a lot so we finally left him she did everything in her power to never treat us like my father did.......she was a great mom she was one of my best friends I used to share a bed with her a lot because we moved so much........she was seriously a super mom and I loved her.....
Everything was great until a little over a year ago when she met her new fiance" and about a month or 2 after they met they decided to move in together not only did we have to move so far away but into an ugly house in the middle of nowhere and he has a daughter who I just absolutely hate.....she knows how I feel and whenever I try to talk to her about anything she just stares at me and yells at me.....
So has changed so much and now I can't even look at her without having a horrible thought about her...she doesn't believe I'm going to graduate high school she doesn't give me privacy she wants me to have a boyfriend and when I close to a guy she tells such horrible not embarrassing but horrible things about what I do to her and what I've done......she took her "fiance" out on my 16th birthday and has totally just disowned me and I can't take it anymore.
All I do is sit in my room and count down the hours til its the next day so I can leave the house with a worthless mother who doesn't care about me and only cares about her "perfect" immature huge not funny annoying "fiance". I can't hate my mom but I do strongly dislike her"
I Broke The Bathroom
I did it ... I broke the bathroom. DH is going to be sooo mad! He's was gone on an overnight business trip so I thought I'd scrub and spruce up the his bathroom for him ... redo the caulk around the tub, replace the rusty limescaley fixures, etc. Make everything shiny and pretty, right? The drain cover and overflow are rusty, so I bought a new kit. I start with the drain cover and was trying to get the screw out to replace it ... turns out the drain insert is cheap plastic and it broke .. now there's nothing to screw the draincover into. So I think, no problem, the drain cover kit came with a new drain insert, I'll just replace that too, right?
So I scape away all the putty and gunk and I the darn thing wont come out. So I'm thinking, hey it's cheap rotted plastic, maybe I can just break it out ... hah hah hah, no go. So now I need a new drain pipe that runs under the tub to screw the stupid new drain insert into. Luckily we have one left over from a different bath remodel and I can get to all the plumbing easily from the basement.
So I think, just unscrew the drain elbow and pop on a new one right? hahaha! Darn thing won't come off and I'm stripping the stupid little grippy grooves on it trying. I hate all this plastic tubing garbage!
I was hoping to fix all my mistakes before he got home all tired and crabby, but now I'm stuck, and he's gonna be mad about coming home to a broken bathroom.
Maybe it's not so bad .. It's an old house, we're going to remodel his bathroom eventually anyway .. so maybe once I get him going on fixing the drain I broke, I can get him to continue on ripping the rest of the darn ugly bathroom apart too! He's gonna think I did it on purpose! ;)
My boyfriend and I are renting a house with a room mate. Our room mate is a good 260 pounds, he never showers, and when he does (rarely), he infects the tub with toenail fungus. I know this, because now I have toenail fungus, and there is nowhere else I could have gotten it, his feet are grotesque.
He is disgusting and constantly smells absolutely horrible, like a garbage dump on a hot day, and sometimes is prone to random fits or rage and outburst for little to no reason. He has been a great friend in the past, but sometimes he is such a jerk, and disgusts me so much, that I can't stand him.
He complains about being lonely, and not having anyone to love, but it's obvious (for reasons already stated) why he is alone. If he would clean himself, and take care of his body, and try not to be a jerk, and lose weight, he could find someone, but he is just so disgusting that no one wants him.
I also know he is in love with me, and I believe he is also in love with my boyfriend. I care about him as a friend, and don't know how to tell him that he needs to shower more, and that I have foot fungus because of using the shower after him. I don't know what to do about him at all. He really pisses me off sometimes, and sometimes I wish bad things on him.
I'm sorry for all the happiness you are sharing with me. I'm sorry that you love me, and I'm sorry that I love you. I'm sorry for liking someone behind your back. I'm sorry for lying to you, I just don't want to lose what we have. I'm sorry for knowing that I'll have to end it soon, someday. I'm sorry that you think I'm everything I'm not. I'm sorry I've made you believe I'm the one for you. I'm sorry that we're together. I'm sorry that we've ever met. I'm sorry. I love you.
Built Up Aggression
I used to be really skinny. My arms were like twigs. If i was ever harassed or bullied, i always backed down, because i couldn't defend myself. Then i started lifting weights. I am growing muscle somewhat. Someday, i want to beat the living hell out of some idiot who deserves it, but i am still scared of getting beaten up myself.
I had a dream about Kurt Cobain around christmas time, and I couldn't stop thinking about him or the dream so I looked him up on wikipedia to learn more about him (obviously I knew who he was but only that he was the kill of grunge and that he killed himself) I slowly became obsessed with him and the music he made and now it's becoming really bad. To the point where I cry over the fact he is dead, and have a hatred for courtney love because I am jealous of her..and in school I draw pictures of him. It's random and I want it to stop.
to hate children because theres a possibility I might not be able to have any. That way if I'm not able to have any, I won't hurt as much when the time comes