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I'm in love
I'm in love with my best friend, who is also my neighbor??? It's a double edged sword...If I'm close to him, I feel the pain of him not loving me like that, and if I lose him, I feel lost??? I am a very optimistic person, but in this case I just wonder...Why did I even meet him? I'm being distant till I can figure something out???
I am rather
I am rather compulsive about school and taking too much classwork. It is often in a selfish or vain context and the pressure is too much from people, parents, but... most of all myself. I do think I lack the focus to really achieve what I am set out to do, that is, complete a double major in three short years, and as such I am always going to be unsatisfied with my work. It is already half way over and I don't know what to make of things.
Music is a nice excape, but there are many things I have sacrificed for this goal: a job, my own wellbeing, friendships, a relationship perhaps, and at times my own happiness and simple routine. But at any rate my priorities are all out of place, school, exercise, relaxation, lovelife, parents and family, it's a mixed jumble and I hardly see how I get anything done. Not to mention for all this I am rather lonely, and perhaps I think my life is empty because of this grind. That is all...
I broke up
I broke up with my significant other few weeks ago because he was giving me such a hard time... we decided to remain friends, but after we broke up, i found out so many things about him that i didn't know; and obviously i didn't like wat i heard.. in fact, they grossed me out and made me not even want to talk to him anymore...
the drama here is that right before we broke up, i was introduced to one of his good friends.. and even after we broke up, the guy and I kept talking and all, as if I were still going out with my ex...
and few days ago, he tells me that he has feelings for me... that he wants to comfort me and be there for me.. and the truth is, I like this guy as well...
so now im stuck.. debating whether to go for it or just stop... cuz i know if we started seeing each other, my ex is gonna make things really hard for him and he's gonna be in a tricky situation... *sigh*
i don't like
i don't like my parents fighting. it's rather disappointing that i'm not sad by it but annoyed.
I flirt with
I flirt with guys I'm not interested because I think its funny that they make themselves look stupid trying to get me. I know its horrible, but I don't care that I'm hurting their feelings.
when i see
when i see little babies riding in shopping carts at the super market. I stare them down and taunt them.
i enjoy making babies cry
I'm thinking of
I'm thinking of taking a break from school and moving 2 hours away for a boy. I know that if I move there we'll hook up 'cuz the only thing that's stopping us from being together is the distance. I like him a whole lot and we really do connect on certain levels, but I also know that he's not THE ONE, and I can't see us being together in the long run. But I just kind of want to have fun for now, not worry about school for awhile, and be a crazy 20 year old while I still can.
i feel worthless,
i feel worthless, i feel like my life is worthless, and the saddest part is that i couldn't care less. i hear about death, disease, starvation, the death of someone i know, but i couldn't care less. i've moved over 10 times, but each time i have to switch places and friends i just ignore my previous friends like they don't exist, and they might as well not exist because i don't care about them anymore.
All i can do to make this emptiness and disappointment in myself go away is hang out with my friends, play video games, watch TV, read a book, etc. i enjoy myself while i'm doing these things, but when they end and i am left alone, i feel emptiness again, almost as though nothing happened. this is the reason i feel worthlessness. not because i have done something wrong, but because i have done nothing at all.
i try to make myself feel like my life has value. i work out, go to class, volunteer, and countless other things, but i still feel like it all means nothing. part of the problem is dreams. i dream of what i want to be, but dreams don't mean anything. dreams are worthless if they can't be fulfilled, and perhaps i expect too much out of myself. perhaps i expect my life to be greater than it really could be at this age (20), but i feel like it should be more than this boredom.
i would like to give my life value so i can feel like i am accomplishing something, but i don't know what there is that is worth doing. i look around; i talk to people; i hate them for doing more than me. for being so stupid and doing more than me. but most of all, i hate them for not being like me; for not realizing how little their lives mean. but i guess it's selfish to want people as miserable as me just so i feel less alone.
in the end, all i have is misery. all i have are comforts that are momentary. people talk about americans living for instant gratification, but that isn't what i live for. i live for instant amnesia. for moments of happiness that make me forget just how miserable i was and will be once i am alone again.
i have so
i have so much anger, but i don't know towards what. when people do stupid things it annoys me. even tho those stupid things are something that is totally normal. i am at war with myself constantly.
i really fancy a chick but am too afraid to let it show, for i am afriad that our friendship will dull.
i want a relationship, but can't accept one for if i do i am afraid i will miss out my chance with the chick.
procrastination is my
procrastination is my worst vice - i have so much to do but i never do it - i simply do everything else but schoolwork - i judge people a lot and i feel like i am right ninety percent of the time - people who disagree with me are stupid
Last week I
Last week I got shafted. I called up this girl I liked (who apparently seemed somewhat interested) and asked her to have dinner with me during the week. I call her the nite before to confirm and she seemed excited. So the following evening, I call to pick her up. She answers and says "oh, im sorry. I forgot...I already ate. But, we should hang out another time." WTF?? Then I see her the next week while i'm working and she's acting super nice like nothing happened (she must think she did nothing wrong). What a chicken-head.
i get by
i get by in school without doing most of the reading. what does that say about our wonderful school system?
i'm not that
i'm not that close to any of my friends anymore. it gets pretty lonely sometimes.
i had a
i had a falling out with my best friend in high school. we had a nasty fight about how extremely selfish and mean she can be and what not. we didn't speak again til the first or second year in college, but of course that reminded me why we stopped being friends. we haven't spoken since. i know she reads my away msgs and other things using someone else's sn. i read her online journals from time to time just to see what she's up to. we were the best of friends, but seriously, that's over now. why do we still check up on each other like that? is it because we still care or we're just curious to know what's up?
I think i
I think i need to see a shrhink becuz im obsessed over my ex. if im not thinking about fake scenarios where he comes back to me, then im having real dreams about it. i turn the dumbest details into signs that he still loves me but its all just a stupid illusion. im turning crazier more by the day
ive been stealing
ive been stealing all my life. i dont need to but i do it to have money to drink. sometimes to buy stuff for girlfriends.
ive been involved
ive been involved in many illegal activities whithout anyone knowing.
I never got
I never got closure from a girl and its beginning to bug because I get mad when I see her with other guys. I don't talk to her anymore but I see her almost everyday walking by the student center. She doesn't bother to say hi nor do I, I still like her but it seems as though she has moved on. It seems as though she fooled me. Was I fooled by the antics of sorority girls? What do I do now? I read her away messages daily and she has petty love notes to other guys. God, what the hell