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jealousy over things I can't help

When ever I see an asian woman with a white guy I secretly can't stand the sight! I have asian girl friends who date white guys and I put on the best show of tolerance and happiness for them. But deep down inside I think of the white guys are pathetic for this as if asian women are some new trend or arm candy. I know deep down inside it's because I'm jealous of asians interested in whites... and wonder if an asian man will ever be interested in me... a girl from the carribean...Pathetic.

End of the line

if i never have children, i hope i die before my parents. otherwise there will be no one to place a stone on my grave and it will be as if i never existed... a confirmation of how i already feel.

Over Analyzing?

so i just found out that my boyfriend's ex and her brother, who was his best friend back in the country where he grew up (before moving here when he was 16) share the same birthday as my sister and my mom. i've always thought that it was unfair to his ex that he was forced to move here and when he met me, i felt as if i became another barrier to their relationship even though they broke up a good two years before we met. i never found out much about his life back then because i was afraid that i might find out things that would make me feel very insecure. i have a gut feeling that his ex was his great love (everyone's gotta have one unforgettable love right?) and i can never be loved as much as she was. i must confess that my love for him is unaltered even after thoughts (of which were my own) that i am not the one he loved the most. in fact at most times i feel like i am another barrier separating him and her. i love him so much but these crazy thoughts are seriously screwing with me. maybe i'm over analyzing it too much. he has been a WONDERFUL boyfriend to say the least. we've been together for almost 3 years and our families have met. marriage is on the cards. everything is just perfect. on the surface. i have this crazy crazy feeling that i'm not really the one he loves the most even though he has told me countless of times that i am the best he's ever had. but come on, ALL my boyfriends say that. it's not even counted anymore. haha. guys just say anything to make a girl feel good. even if it's a lie. and every time my sister and my mom celebrates a birthday, i am reminded of this life he once had and the people he loved whom he left years ago. i feel like i am the third party even though i am the girlfriend right now. this is insane isnt it? it's 4am and this is running through my head. is anyone even reading this? god. i need to get out. i need someone to slap me silly.


I'm really a very lonely and emotional person. I like to make fun of people like that, call them pathetic and tell them to get real lives rather than sit around and mope, but I do the same thing. Right now, I've just been sitting and staring off into space for about an hour and a half. I do it a lot, especially when I'm about to go to sleep. I think about how I'll never have a wife or even a best friend. I've never had either. I'm 21 and I have no real friends, I don't talk to other people, and I just live my life. I feel like I'm the only person in the world and it keeps me up at night. When ever I really, honestly think about it, my body just gets so heavy, if that makes any sense. It seizes up and my chest contracts, almost painfully. I don't really know what it is but it happens a lot. I hate people like myself, though. The type of person who lives this kind of life and does nothing about it. I'm proud to say I don't complain about being alone or miserable, though. It's really the only part of my personality that I like. I don't want to be a burden to others. Telling them or unloading my problems onto them will only make me more pathetic. I don't like feeling this way, yet I continue to foster the way my life is going. Several years ago, when I was around 17, I sat down with myself and came to the conclusion that I will most likely die alone and without anyone to morn me. Probably from heart failure in my forties or something like that. Now, four years down the line, I find myself wanting to to happen sooner. The only thing that keeps me around is the guilt of knowing what it would do to my parents. When they are gone, will I care anymore? I really don't know, but I also finding myself waiting for that to happen. When I don't have any more emotional attachments. Anyway, don't be like me. That's all I can say.

I'm not sorry

When I found out my fiance dated another woman while away at boot camp I took his cat to the pound and had it put to sleep. Still to this day he thinks she died a natural death.


I am in love with a Woman I am not with because I married a woman I am not in love with. I married the mother of my beautiful daughter, but I am not in love wiht her. She is a great woman, beautiful, passionate and caring, but I am in love with another woman with all of those attributes and more. She is the woman I think about when I am sleep, the first woman on my mind when I awake. I hurt her so bad when I told her I wanted to see if I could make it work with my daughters mother that she had to start seeing a therapist and has not been to work in over a month. I want to make things up to her, but nothing mends a broken heart but time. God I am sorry I am not honoring my vows to my wife. I have not been with anyone since I got married, but LK has my heart and I don't know if that will ever change.

we've got a big big mess

it was a sunday that my boyfriend and i spent the entire day together. it was that saturday that i first got the feeling of impending doom in the pit of my stomach. like something bad was going to happen. like i was going to have to break up with him some time in the near future. i lied and told him i just felt off and i felt so horrid that he was trying so hard to make me smile and all i did was scowl, that by the time we were talking back to my house from the local shop-ko, i was laughing and smiling because i reverted back to being his best friend instead of his girlfriend, if only in my own mind. when we got back to my house, i felt the same - gloomy, tired, irritated, and like a meteor was hurtling towards earth. over the next few days, i'd texted and talked back and forth with my best friend to try and work out my feelings instead of just talking to him. it was a wednesday afternoon when i parted with him at the bus stop and feeling like the feeling had passed - i didn't want to lose him or leave him. i wanted him to be my boyfriend, and i wanted to enjoy it. i wanted to be happy. it was the very next day that my brother took me aside and told me he was in jail for domestic abuse against his ex girlfriend the night before. i didn't cry. strangely not, perhaps i should have. he got out that afternoon. i didn't feel too affected, even after i had to recount the events to my mother and my sister. i didn't cry when i knew i would have to break up with him. i didn't want to cry. i'd had enough crying. when i called him later that night, i ended up crying. and i hated him for it. because i'd had enough crying. i'm done crying. no matter how unloveable it makes me.

Mom and dad

I feel bad, but I really hate both of my parents. They did their best, but their best really sucked. I wish I had never been born.

I wish I could just let it go

I am madly in love with a girl in my office. I am happily married and love my wife. She is newly married and her husband is a great guy. But for the life of me I can't stop thinking about her. I don't know what to do.

I just lost...

I am a gambling addict...I have lost over 7400$ this month alone. I hate myself. I am such a loser. Why would anyone want to be like this. It is not the life at all. I am constantly cheating myself and my family. I think I would be better off dead. DO NOT GAMBLE


I'm a drunk and a liar. May God forgive me. So sorry.

You and me again

my entire day can turn based on whether or not i get a text from you. but now i'm constantly worried that you will text me when my boyfriend is around. i can't believe you and i are back in this same situation we were in 3 years ago. and i'm so glad you're still in love with me.


I used to have this best friend. One day i finally told him that i was in love with him, and surprisingly he loved me too =]. Those days were the best in my life, we would talk for hours and hours, thinking minutes had passed by. Until one day, he just stopped talking to me. I moved on, thinking he was just another jerk. Months have passed since i talked to him, but i will always love him. i Still hang on, thinking something'll happen. When my mind know nothing is going to go on. My heart doesn't accep that answer. When i see he's online, i want to tell him i love him and miss him. But i never get the courage to. I know i can't keep going on like this,and that sometime i will crack. But until then, all i can do is keep it inside. I just hope that nothing bad happens. I can't really hope that. Seeing as he is 20 and i'm underage still. Horrible things that happen in life, an that's one of them. I also have to say that i really want to rip my moms head off. She's making me move halfway across the world, again. What the heck is she thinking, how am i suposed to settle down, and think of what i want to do in the future if she just wants to keep changing personalities.

Drowning In Memories

It's been six years and I still wake thinking of her and it haunts me, then I take her to sleep with me. I hold her in my dreams. She speaks to me. She looks at me, like she used to, like she still wants too. I don't know how to let her go. I can't shake her.

In love

I'm still in love with you, even though we broke up so long ago. I guess you'll never feel the same way about me, but I still love you with all of my heart. You were my first love and you've always been there for me. Sometimes I want to tell you how I feel but I know you wouldn't like it. I just have to be contented with the sweet agony it is to be around you at work. I wish more than anything that you would just reach out and touch me. Your smile makes me melt on the inside, and when you say my name I always smile. I love you.


Forgive me, God. I don't treat people with as much love as I have for them. I want to forgive everybody. I want to stop lying, cheating, and being vain. I have had enough of my own sin, and I repent and ask for God's forgiveness.

A nasty man

I hate my husband. He is the meanest, most insensitive, rude, obnoxious, nasty, man anyone can ever meet. I walk on eggshells when I am around him because I never know what will set him off. I try to avoid situations where I have to be in public with him. I have no idea how I ended up with him. I am stuck with him because I don't know how to get away from him. I must have been possessed to marry him. His parents treated him lousy and he never learned love from them. I pray every day that he gets into a car accident and dies or at least becomes comatose that I can unplug him. He's a lawyer and so am I; isn't that crazy? and I can't figure a way out. I have to make sure the two boys don't end up just like him. If you read this, please pray for that car accident...

First Love

I don't think I will ever get over my first love. I'm happily married, but whenever I come across an old letter or photo of or from my ex, it still breaks my heart. Will I ever get over him? It's been ten years by the way