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I just binged on Poppycock cluster almonds. I hate myself right now.
I'm a Monster
I once ruined over a dozen friendships, just because I could. I don't think anyone realizes just how much I messed with them. I don't think anyone realizes how much I still mess with them. Its a power trip, and I don't feel bad. I keep telling myself that its self defense or they crossed me and deserved it. But that is not true. I think I've done some permanent damage to some people's lives. I guess I'm a monster.
I Can't Feel Anything
If my parents died tomorrow I wouldn't cry. I don't think I'd even care.
I love myself
Myself and only myself, i cant help it. I know its wrong but its true.
When you told me to remember the good times, I told you I'd rather forget them.
I hope to god...
i know that i am in love with you,even though we have never met. I feel it hard in the pit of my stomach.You have helped me so much & finally i am starting to feel complete.You let me depend on you when i keep afloat by myself.Because of you i feel beautiful & i am no longer ashamed of my "kinks".
But i am so afraid i won't be attracted to you & that i'll ruin everything.
Your beautiful,& i hope to god i will be able to see that in person.
Hate Some Family
I hate that my brothers family is so damn phoney! They act like they are God's gift to humanity. I wish they would move back to where they came from!!!
My husband and I have been together for 4 yrs. we even have a little girl! He has to always sit there doing nothing and telling me that I need to do something for him. We ended up starving before he would really look for a job...I work 10 hrs days...go home cook for him and take care of our child....I'm not asking for sympathy but some damn help!
Sometimes I just want him to get up and be a man.
i feel torn!!
i can't breathe. i can't live. like this . my heart aches just living so much sorrow i feel so depressed and i always have to put on a face. I feel like i have to talk to someone but i dont want ppl to judge me and i hate feelings. this is so wronggg. i can't do this. my life is great and so much is going on. i dont wanna take life into my own hands but i'm scared to death. i dont know i just dont. why is it that we feel so lonely God? i need u . so much. i hate this feeeling i would rather die then feel it.
I watch the show Intervention.... hoping some day that someone will love me enough to want to help me that way.
i dont know..
i'm scared. i have a good life. good friends. i'ma christian. but i do such bad things and i hate myself for it. I only bring pain and suffering to other people because i'm selfish and prideful. If i was never born. if i could take life into my own hands i think it'd be better if i just died. my friends, brothers, family they all worry and care about me so much i feel like such a bother in life. i dont know how to stop feeling like this. i love life. but at the same time it hurts so much. this world is so full of corruption and i dont know how i feel. Whether to be mad or sad or depressed. i dont show any of it. but sometimes. sometimes i just want to talk to one person about it. but i dont want people to judge me. life is so weird. but that's part of it right? i feel kind of better?.
I have so much guilt over things that I have done or thought I have done. Thats the problem, I don't know if I really have done it, or if my mind is taking over. I just want to be forgiven so I that I can have my mind back.
my mom always says its "everyone else with the problem, you didnt do anything wrong" ..but im starting to think im the one with the problem. why is it always the other person? i wish people could just grow up.
Can't order a drink..
This is really sad...but I am afraid to go out with my friends to a bar...because I don't want to order a drink at the bar...with a bartender...I am afraid to..I don't know why I just am. Some of the fear is that I am afraid of "how to order" and then how to tip..and where the money goes..and so on. I have been 21 for 9 months now and have only been to a 3 bars. 2 ON my 21st bday and one a month later...but I had my friend order my drink...she was like WTF? SO..since then...I have not been out...I tell my friends I am on a budget and can't afford it...which is somewhat true...but mostly..it is because I am afraid.
It sucks too because I am young and cute! I have great friends...the only thing holding me back is that dumb fear...and I KNOW it is dumb! LOL. i hate seeing all my friends pics on Facebook and stuff..out drinking and having a good time..without me...and they have no idea why...
I am probably the only one in the WORLD with this fear.
I really hate her..
So me and this girl were friends from our jr. year of HS till Sept. 07 ( for 6 years). I broke off the friendship because she started to copy me a lot and want to be like me. So much it reminded me of the movie "single white female" SERIOUSLY. She even cut her hair like me! So anyway...I just hate her. She is the one that screwed with my life, and tried to compete with me, and I am the one getting the "fuzzy end of the lollypop" What the heck? was Karma misdirected? She is turning people against me..telling them lies..and they believe her!!!! I just don't get it? I don't usually hate people. I really hate her though..I really do. I just want to beat her down. Give her a good right hook. I have never been so angry in my life. I hate her.
I constantly lie to be to gain acceptance and seem "cool". I lie about girls and about how much money I have. I pretend to know all sorts of things but in reality I'm pretty ignorant. I keep lying to myself, saying I'm going to quit smoking and quit drinking, just quit all those harmful things all together and the next time its around me I smoke and drink as much as I can for fear of it really being the last time I do it. I'm a sad person. I'm a complete jerk to a lot of people that have it coming but inside I don't even feel like they deserve but I do it to make other people laugh at anothers expense. I want to be a better person and it's going to start today. I'm going to quit drinking and smoking, I'm going to stop lying about insignifigant stuff, I'm going to treat people well no matter how they act and if I dont feel thats possible I will keep my mouth shut.
Failure Of A Marriage
I have failed at my marriage. I expect to be separated within a few days. I have many regrets. My largest regret by far is the impact of this separation/divorce upon my children. I own the pervasive feeling I could have done better. Not much of a secret, true, but scratch at the bottom and you'll find more bottom. How could I have done better? When all is said and done, whatever I did and didn't do was insufficient to make my partner feel special and loved and engaged and excited, etc. We have slowly exchanged, inch by inch and hour by hour, a loving relationship for bitterness and acrimony. I stayed with her because of my children and what we once were to each other. I should have (but could not) figure out how to make it work. This is a shoddy night..
i know that im only 14 and people will say it doesnt matter, and people mature at different rates. but in my school and life i have never had a boyfriend-i doubt anyone has ever liked me at all.
i dont know whats wrong with me:im in good shape, and i know i am pretty, im not being vain. i am a little shy but i still have no problem talking to anyone, boys included- so i dont know what to do, i feel so lonely and stupid