Need a break
It seems like the whole world is out to get me. I've been going on internship interviews and I just keep getting rejection letters. I'm trying so hard. Everyone keeps telling me to just hang in and things will work out. I don't even believe them anymore. I'm jealous of all the people that get things so easily and I have to struggle ten times harder than everyone else. When is it my turn to just have things handed to me?
I just hate who I am. Not physically but emotionally. It's a cliche and pathetic way of thinking but it's how I feel. Borderline Personality Disorder (among others) has destroyed my life.
Why am I so angry?
I am so angry these days so pissed off at every little thing that I do...And i don't know why i am...I hate my mums side of the family except for me grandma.
I hate my brother cause he gets angry so easily but i cant do nothing about it (big bro). Hate my sister because she always steals stuff from me and my mum where she repeats herself 20 times in a row IT GETS BLOODY ANNOYING. But sometimes i think that that's not the reason why i'm angry it might be something else...Just wanted to let some steam out.
Actions speak Louder than Words
You had to end our relationship b/c of all of the stress in your life. You were so busy with school and work and were going overseas for a temporary job assignment. But you never stopped loving me. There was no amount of distance or time constraints that would made me stop loving you. As I still do now. This was my first happy adult relationship. your actions: three weeks after we stop talking you decide that somehow you are prepared to get into another relationship. She's 19 and you are 29. And what about that temporary assignment overseas? You say you don't know...maybe you'll stay together. How can you do this to me? You are a liar. Do you remember yourself at 19? I know this is just a rebound, but screw you. And your actions speak louder than words.
I'm not religious and I do not believe in God. To my surprise, I prayed secretly to God last night to grant me a chance to pursue my dreams. I wonder if it works.
You are a good friend but i really hate how you come to my house and borrow everything i have and keep and treat it like its yours. I also hate the fact that you always make me feel like an alien everytime i dont agree with you in front of everyone. don't get me wrong your a good friend but i just wish youd stop those things.
i like this guy (let's call him Bob) but there's this one other guy that likes me. He asked if i liked Bob and i don't know what i should do. i don't want to hurt his feelings
I told everyone that I did not have cancer. That it would all be OK. That I am just little sick and with time I will get better. I lied to everyone about it. I do have cancer of the Esophagus. I don't have the money to treat it and I will die from it before I get to see my kids grow up.
Please forgive me...
I proposed dating to a girl who was seeing another guy who is away at a foreign land. This girl had lately become my best friend. I knew that I was risking friendship, but I didn't want to keep my feelings to myself.
She said she couldn't see me in any other way but as a friend. I was cool at first. But then later she kept some demands in front of me. I was wondering if someone can expect so much from a "just a friend"... I was a little insecure about being used. I was serious about this girl. I feel awful for not being a friend. Thats not all. I tried to cut her off due to my own insecurity. I orchestrated a fight. I made her a greeting for her birthday. She said she didn't like some aspect of it. I threw a big fit. I was really bitter at her. I said something really mean about her not showing any signs of being a friend...
The thing is I really hurt her with what I said. She said that she cried herself to sleep. I said those things only to hurt her. Later on when we did talk again, I acted like a pompous jerk and didn't think I owed her an apology. When I cooled down, I thought I had over reacted... I apologized to her. She accepted. But its obvious, I have lost my best friend.
I'm a guy that loves wearing skirts. I particularly like denim mini's although I have tried a pencil skirt. This was ok, but the shorter skirts are a real thrill to wear. I love the feeling of the skirt on my legs and think they are so much better, smarter and more exciting then boring old trousers. I've just bought myself another skirt recently, again it's a mini with a rear zip fastener which I love. The feeling as I do the zip up is great and can't stop looking at it.
I think I have dual personalities...
On the one hand, I am a very polite, very smart kind individual.
On the other hand I have very crazy fantasies... sometimes violent, sometimes not:
-- For example, I will be sitting in class and think about raising my hand and saying something (not sure if I am day dreaming or not...the situation will play out as if i said something, then I will snap back to reality, and not be sure if I actually said anything or not.
-- Other times, I have very violent urges, to hit someone, or plan out how I will hit them or hurt them... i get lost in my daydream and then snap back, not knowing what has gone on for the past 5 minutes.
It takes an enormous amount of control to keep my realities straight, and I am afraid that one day I might act out a violent fantasy and not be aware of it. :(
I spend every day lying about my feelings. I about 10 months ago I split off an engagement for no reason. I'm not a huge drinker or drug addict. I work mon-fri and run a business. I'm in no debt and believe you have to live life however it makes you happy, yet I never seem to make myself happy. I've tried to make myself open my eyes to love but the two times I did i, without thinking the first time and constantly trying to figure it out the second time pushed myself out. I wish I could find love and know I'm happy.
getting on with it
dear lord, i have to say, some times its just really had being her on earth for no reason at all.
I love my dog
I have 3 dogs, 1 of which is a very large german shepherd, who is very protective of me, my family and our home. he has bitten a couple of family friends in the past due to feeling threatened with them in our back garden. i must emphasise this dog is unusually large and can appear ultra agggressive, but is a really fun loving dog and very gentle at heart. about a year ago now i was out walking him near our house across the nearby fields. he was off the lead and wondering along happily. when rounding a hedge row corner we came across a women walking her dog unexpectadly. my dog jumped up and bit her on the arm drawing blood. the women was flustered, i mananged to convince her that it was totally out of character for the dog to bite, it had never happened before and that she must have scared him. within 2 minutes she was convinced it was her fault and couldn't apoligise enough.
I haven't gone to any of my classes, and I only have two days left to withdraw. I've been lying to everyone and telling them I'm going. I've really been sleeping. I also don't know if I'll be able to withdraw, because I owe the school so much money. I kind of suck at life.
James Bond, Fireman
When I was a child - maybe I was about 9 or 10 years old, there was a fire round the back of my mates house. We were cheeky little kids, but we were a little bit in awe of real firemen, so we went up to them and asked for their autographs. When we handed the scrap of paper to the third fireman, I noticed a smirk on his face, so I examined the signatures. Apparently the fire had been put out by Mickey Mouse, James Bond and some other fictional character I no longer recall. At first I was a bit upset about being duped. I felt like getting my own back on them. But then I realised, I already had. After all, it was us that started the fire.
I live in a fairly large apt complex, and I have noticed this 5-7 yr old boy roaming around. I keep having urges to scare this kid. Not hurt or anything so drastic, but maybe scare him. Why? i have a 2 year old myself that I would never harm or scare! I probably would never try to scare the kid in real life, but its weird that the thoughts run through my head!
I have lost 1000 dollers today and i think over 7000 dollers in total in the last 3 years in poker machines. I am kind of got addicted to it. Also now i withdraw cash from my credit card to quench my thirst for gambling.. i have lost my self esteem and i don't see my self as good person any more. There are such a lot of good things i could have done with that money for my family or friends or any one who needs money.. to make things worse i lie about all these small things to my family.. i really feel to get out of this and get back my life.. I am going to do all that possible to get things straight in my life and use the time/money to good things.